A Love Bizarre

I'm so porny right now

2007-06-10T22:17:00.001-04:00

Is it a compliment to be told you look like a porn star?
A friend of a friend recently insisted that not only had I done porn but he had a copy of one of my videos.

I hope he's not confusing me with Ron Jeremy

New Hottness

2007-06-05T07:02:00.000-04:00

I was introduced to this album by Joe this past weekend - and I have to say it's one of the most entertaining pop albums I've seen in a while.

It's a great mix of R&B, pop and dance music. I'm sure you've heard the lead single "Umbrella" about a thousand times.

How can you not love an album that has a song like"Breaking Dishes", a lyrical sample of which is below:

I'm still waiting, come through the door
I'm killing time, you know bleaching your clothes
I'm roasting marshmallows on the fire
And what I'm burning is your attire
I'm getting restless
I'm getting tested
I can't believe he is always out every night and never checks in
Is he cheating? Man I don't know
I'm looking 'round for something else to throw

I'm breaking dishes up in here
All Night (Uh-huh)
I ain't go stop until I see police lights

I live for this woman

2007-06-04T20:40:00.001-04:00

Badge of Shame

2007-06-04T07:40:00.000-04:00

reads: "You were @ Mr. Black last night" - ughh

why do these things never wash off?

Heading back to the US

2007-06-01T05:29:00.000-04:00

So, I'm finally returning home from my brief stint in Europe. It's definitely been an interesting experience.

Don't get me wrong - I love to travel, and seeing Ireland (for the first time) and Moscow (for the second) has been a great experience but I'm ready to sleep in my own bed again.

I have to say, visiting Moscow in May is clearly much better then visiting in November/December. The last time I was here the sun came out from behind the clouds for literally 10 minutes in an over two week period --- and it was such an event that I took a picture to mark the occasion. During my most recent visit I don't think I saw a single cloud in the sky.

The most striking thing about Moscow for me is it's intense consumer culture- even more conspicuous then that of the New York! I don't think I've ever seen such a concentration of Louis Vuitton and Dolce & Gabbana in my life.

At any rate, I'm currently in the lounge at Международный Аэропорт Москва-Шереметьево (that's Sheremetyevo International Airport to non Russians) and I'm hoping this flight is a bit quieter then the one from London to Moscow. On my way in I was surrounded by a group of Russian students returning home (many clad in D&G, with the aforementioned LV bags - natch) who immediately broke out bottles of Moet the minute our plane hit the sky. The rest of the flight was like being at a bad karokie bar - the students were completely wasted and were singing bad pop music along to their iPods at the top of their lungs. We were treated to the worst of both Russian & English pop music - and to be honest I'm not sure I appreciated their rendition of "My Humps" at 3 in the morning.

Maybe I'm just getting (am?) old.

Lost in Translation

2007-05-27T15:39:00.000-04:00

I've had several lost in translation moments today.

First, I was woken up by the sound of classical players. I open my door to find an entire string section playing various traditional Russian music. This was a bit unexpected.

I asked one of the English speaking staff what this was about and she explained they were the entertainment for the Sunday brunch at the hotel. Brunch sounded enticing so I went to check it out.

Upon arriving at the restaurant I was informed that as a hotel guest I would be given a special price for brunch - only 3,500 rubles - or about $140. Those better be some fan-fucking-tastic eggs.

My common sense told me that I'd probably be fired if I attempted to expense what was essentially a $140 omelet so I decided to walk over to the Aeroflot office to change my flight back to NY to an earlier day. Unfortunately, no one in the office spoke English. The helpful woman at the counter told me the only words she knew in English - "I love you". This was not so helpful given the current situation.

Using a series of pantomime, as well as some rapid fire pointing at a calendar I got the idea across, and in the end managed to change my flight.

I've also continued my streak of great timing - as I managed to catch the tail end of this. Very sad.

Party Fowl

2007-05-26T11:33:00.000-04:00

So I've had the privlidge of spending the last few days at a 12th century Irish castle for a work function. They've transformed the castle into a five star hotel and resort which just about every important person seems to have stayed at (including our esteemed president).

Like most high end hotels this one has a high end restaurant.
I don't know why "high end" always means exotic meats - but over the span of two meals I was served ostrich and PIGEON FOIE GRAS. Yes, Pigeon filet plus what I think was a paste made out of pigeon liver.

Now, if you know anything about me you know that I am a bit picky as to what kind of meats (or even what cuts of meats) I eat. Needless to say I was not feeling the birds.

The ostrich was actually ok - if I hadn't known I would think I was eating beef. Pigeon on the other hand was this grey looking thing that was extremely tough and left a nasty aftertaste.

Oh well .. better luck in Moscow

And in a related story....

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EERdNnu9mic

reflections on Ireland

2007-05-20T16:57:00.000-04:00

So I decided that since I'd be going to Ireland for a conference it would be a good idea to spend some extra time in Dublin - since I very rarely (ok, never) find myself in this country.

It's been an interesting experience so far.
It's very hard to find healthy food here (not surprising) or a full service gym (again, not surprising) and I have yet to see the rumored warmth of the Irish people (surprising).

What have I seen? Drunks. Lots of them. On the street, in the hotel, at 10pm, at 10am - in the park, on stilts, dressed as cows on the toilet (really!) -- basically everywhere.

pics to follow.

The definition of wrong - link edition

2007-05-19T17:26:00.000-04:00

This simultaneously made me laugh and throw up in my mouth at the same time.

Thanks Frank

Frank's Shitty Day

Vagina Power

2007-05-01T23:26:00.001-04:00

renewal

2007-04-28T21:14:00.001-04:00

In the spirit of Spring (the season of renewal) I've decided to bring this blog back from the brink of death

Hot Summer Fun in Chelsea

2006-07-29T21:48:00.000-04:00

Nothing is better then enjoying some Tasty-D-Lite in front of a mannequin with hugely disproportionate testicles on a hot summer evening in Chelsea

Attack of the 60ft Afro

2006-07-29T17:29:00.000-04:00

As seen from the 9th floor of a hotel in Times Square

Hang up?

2006-07-28T23:06:00.000-04:00

Who among us doesn't love a female (impersonator?) covering "Hung Up" in spanglish?

fau gras faux pas

2006-06-01T23:22:00.000-04:00

Clearly you can't have a fau gras festival in the meatpacking district without dressing up as a goose and having people snap cellphone pics of you looking like an asshole!

Just in time for pride month...

2006-05-31T22:51:00.000-04:00

Talk about niche marketing!
Who are the creative geniuses at Charmin?

[youtube video here]

On Precious

2006-05-31T22:33:00.000-04:00

Everyone loves Precious and her dramatic reading

======

Brian: so what was the deal with that video you sent me

Brian: everyone i sent it to was like...WTF

Me: there is no deal

Me: it is the best thing ever

Brian: if i ever audition for a show again, i'm using that as my monologue

Brian: it really is the best thing ever

Brian: i really want to know what its from or if she made it up herself

Brian: its probably from some like Younger Man, Older Woman type thing that stars Millie Jackson and plays at the Beacon Theater for 2 weeks

Me: it's from brooklyn cable access in 1984

Me: i love the commercials for the beacon theater shows

Me: they always have some sassy quote

Me: like

Me: "The darker the berry, the sweeter the juice"

Brian: i think thats actually the name of one of those plays

Brian: im always so tempted to buy tickets

Brian: and theres like ramshackle cheap sets and sassy black women breaking out into gospel songs in their kitchens

Frap = Fat

2006-05-31T00:36:00.000-04:00

There's a bit of a Starbucks addiction in my office - that may change after I show them this post from the always entertaining A Brooklyn Life blog comparing the nutritional content of a Big Mac to a Frap -- guess which one is worse?

Only in NY

2006-05-30T21:23:00.000-04:00

Where would you find a cat dressed up in business attire (both shirt and tie!) on one of the warmest nights of the year? In the West Village, of course!

You just know some queen thought this was the best idea ever.

Sometimes he was Cinnamon

2006-05-29T23:45:00.000-04:00

This speaks for itself

Via LadyBunny

The Definition of Wrong #4

2006-05-29T22:40:00.000-04:00

I have absolutely no restraint when it comes to food - I blame this on my Italian heritage. To make up for this I make sure to run a few days a week as atonement for my terrible diet.

I dutifully went in to the gym today and was about half way through my run when I smelled something awful --- we're talking fish rotting in the sun awful. The guy working out to my left had apparently decided it was ok to fart while running on the treadmill-- after all, everyone is listening to their iPods and no one will notice, right?

Wrong.
I noticed.

I continued to run while simultaneously trying not to gag.

I looked over to see a youngish woman get on the treadmill to my left. She starts her run and then must have noticed the stench in the air.
The woman turns in my direction, gives me a dirty look and then walks over to a treadmill on the other side of the room.

So thank you Mr. Farting Treadmill guy - for today you are the definition of wrong.

A Dining Adventure in 3 Parts

2006-01-24T00:22:00.000-05:00

Part I - Late Night Fast Food in the City That Never Sleeps (except of course when it's sleeping)

There is a certain pizza establishment in the area that has a yellow neon sign proclaiming that it is open 24 hours - however every time I attempt to frequent their restaurant it seems to be CLOSED. What's that about?

Part II - Get Your Passport - We're going to Harlem!

While Marvin was on the West coast (enjoying dinners that cost more then our monthly rent) I met up with some friends to check out the Dinosaur BBQ. The Dino BBQ not only offers highly regarded food, but also a full fashion line (including a selection of "Pork City" T-shirts) - how could I resist?

With passport in hand I headed over to "WeHa" - fabulous West Harlem -- where the subways run OUTSIDE!

The restaurant does live up to it's hype - and apparently even attracts celebrities (as witnessed by the autographs in the bathroom stall)

After some fried green tomatoes, brisket, bacon, Mac & Cheese, Baked Beans and some Key Lime Pie I waddled my way out of the restaurant. Can you spot the irony in this picture?

Part 3 - When You're Waitress Doesn't Give A Fuck

Marvin and I have a terrible habit of going out to dinner so late that our only choices end up being neighborhood diners. Since I didn't feel like getting stabbed on the way to dinner, we headed up to the Chelsea Gallery. Our waitress had no visible emotion AT ALL -- getting this woman to crack a smile was harder then getting George Bush to march in a gay pride parade. After experiencing the least friendly service at a restaurant ever, she presents us with the following check:

Ok- WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? It's not a smile- it's not a frown - it's just --- indifferent. That face is totally saying "Have a nice day - or don't - I couldn't give a shit!"

I asked Marvin his feelings on our not so social waitress - his reply:

Newsflash - Your Job is a Waste of Time

2006-01-11T22:23:00.000-05:00

While walking home from dinner tonight I was approached by a man diligently handing out fliers for a topless club --- IN THE MIDDLE OF CHELSEA. Yes - trying to attract people to see topless WOMEN on the corner of 18th street and 8th avenue.
News"flash" to the aforementioned flyerguy - there's no chance in hell any of those men are going to see your topless review - unless of course you can guarantee that it will star Elizabeth Berkley or Gina Gershon and include at least one cat fight.

Shifting gears from "titties to things to eat with tater tots":
I implore you to read this article about an unfortunate son of a vegetarian who's only wish is for pork products.

High Quality Entertainment

2006-01-09T23:44:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts lately - there's actually a HUGE post coming sometime soon of my picks of the best music of 2005 --- but I'm waiting for Marvin to add his .02 cents. Marvin is currently off in LA on business and will hopefully find time to finish up his list sometime before I die.
Here's hoping we get an update from the left coast soon.

Shifting gears- here's a brief recap of things I've found entertaining in the last few weeks:

Movies:

Brokeback Mountain
Everything you've heard about this movie is true -- it's tragic, heartbreaking and haunting. The movie is filled with amazing cinematography that does an excellent job of conveying a sense of loneliness and isolation. The movie begins in Wyoming over 40 years ago and sadly many gay people today still face the bigotry and internal conflicts depicted in this film. One needs only to look at the number of people who rated "Brokeback Mountain" a 1/10 on imdb.com to see that homophobia is alive and well in this country -- I mean - you may not have absolutely loved this film - but it certainly is not among the worst movies ever made! Hopefully conservative Amerikkka can learn something from this film.
In my opionion (and Marvin's as well) Brokeback Mountain isn't a movie that will leave you weaping hysterically, but it is a movie that you will find yourself thinking about well after the credits have rolled.

What Alice Found
What an odd yet entertaining movie -- Alice - a teenage girl -- is attempting to run away from home when has her car breaks down on the highway. Alice is "rescued" by a middle aged prostitute and her husband/pimp who proceed to turn Alice out nightly in their RV.

Tarnation
A boy grows up in the shadow of his mentally ill mother and faces an unbelievable amount of abuse and tragedy. This documentary was created for under $300 and is shocking, riveting and very depressing.

Riding The Bus With My Sister
After months of searching, I finally got my hands on a DVD quality copy of this 2005 Hallmark Hall of Fame made for TV movie. This film belongs in the "Showgirls Hall of Bad Cinema" and features Rosie O'Donnel playing a retarded woman. While this movie is supposed to be heartwarming, it's hard not to laugh when Rosie seems to be playing both rain man and Pee Wee Herman at the same time. The above link will give you a good idea of what you're in for should you choose to see the movie.

Music:

Mary J Blidge - The Breakthrough
One of Mary's best CDs EVER. I've heard the album from start to finish a few times now and it seems to get better with every listen. An unexpected highlight of the CD is Ms. Blidge's cover of U2's "One" - Mary keeps the integrity of the song but yet gives it her own spin at the same time (or "Makes It her Own" as they say on American Idol)

Books
Al Franklin - The Truth (with Jokes)
The very funny follow up to his "Lying Liars.." book of a few years back. Due to the fact that we are currently in the grips of one of the shadiest governments in US history I'm sure Al had no problems gathering material for this book.

The Time Out Guide to Buenos Aires
Ok- so it's not really a "book" -- but I'm reading it to prepare for our upcoming return to Argentina. It seems to be a great travel guide, and has already helped me pick out some spots in BA that I seem to have missed on our last trip (like the Bible theme park where Jesus rises from the dead every half hour -- no, really!)

Games

Animal Crossing - Wild World for Nintendo DS
I'm convinced that there is crack in this game - that's the only way I can explain how addictive it is. This is not a game where you win or loose- you simply exist. Think of it as "The Sims Lite" - you run around in a computer generated world fishing, gardening, and buying stuff. It's a great 10 minute daily diversion, and it's online enabled.

Internet Links

Marvin and I were thrilled when Talk Soup picked it's #1 TV Clip of the year - Whitney Houston's infamous "Kiss My Ass" clip from "Being Bobby Brown". Marvin and I must have rewound that episode of BBB about 2,000 times, and we were glad to see that someone else loved the clip as much as we did. Click here to see the "Kiss My Ass" montage [thanks Joe]

Depressed over Brokeback Mountain? Check out this "trailer" for the Man/Horse love story of the year Bareback Mountain. Absolutely fucking twisted and brilliantly done.

Three Truisms for Today

2005-12-23T16:41:00.000-05:00

Truism #1: Latin Music Preferences

Marvin and I were at a diner last night when "Feliz Navidad" came on the radio. Marvin immediately started singing and dancing at the table.

Tom: What the hell was that?
Marvin: Don't you know? All Latin People love "Feliz Navidad"

Marvin then got up to go pay the bill. No sooner does he leave the table then these two Latin queens at the table behind us literally start preforming the song in their booth.

Truism #2: Chelsea Eating Preferences

Last night was our friend Dominick's birthday (Happy Birthday!) and to celebrate a bunch of Dom's friends from Chelsea met up at Splash. At midnight our friend Billy brought out a cake for Dom. Everyone commented how Amazing the cake looked -- BUT NO ONE WOULD ACTUALLY EAT IT. A single slice of cake was literally passed around the room twice without anyone taking a bite.

Trusim #3: Mariah Carey screams - a lot

I always knew she liked to screetch in songs but I didn't realize how much until I watched this clip of Mariah's finest screetching moments - it's truly a must see

It's OVER!

2005-12-22T19:08:00.000-05:00

Thankfully the transit strike has ended - although I'm sure there will be lots of contract negotiation drama in the news for days to come.

This has been one of those events that we'll be talking about for a long time - although I definitely won't have as interesting of a story to tell as this woman who most likely had the most dramatic strike related experience of anyone.

Here's some snapshots I took on the way to/from work this morning -- nothing wakes you up like an early morning 3 mile walk!

A shot of the Village library early in the morning

Trees waiting to be purchased

If you look closely you'll see hundreds of commuters streaming into Manhattan on foot from Brooklyn

The Red Cross truck outside of City Hall -- they were very kindly giving out coffee, hot chocolate and repairing broken bicycles

I've never felt so patronized by a street sign before...

I saw this protest made up of "real commuters" outside the Brooklyn Bridge as I was leaving work - who the fuck are these people?

A holiday favorite returns

2005-12-22T18:59:00.000-05:00

Nothing is cuter at Christmastime then a letter to Santa asking for new genitalia.

Witness the 2001 classic "A Vagina For Christmas"

Confessions in a Wine Cellar

2005-12-22T00:27:00.000-05:00

Walking home from work today I had a lot of time to contemplate my wishes and hopes for the future --- and I decided that more then anything I really wanted to be able to have some Cabernet Sauvignon - preferably bottled by Madonna.

Now, thanks to celebritycellars.com all I need is $40 and to live in a state that allows wine sales via the Internet.

Unfortunately as a NYer I am only eligible to purchase the Madonna "UnWine" for the low price of $25

I can't wait for the Madonna home chemistry set and the Madonna "Confessions on a Douche Floor" feminine hygiene line which will probably be out any day now.

Link: Madonna Wine

Is there a tranist strike? I hardly noticed

2005-12-21T23:35:00.000-05:00

Going from sitting on a beach in 85 degree weather to a one hour walk in single digit windchill temperatures within two days is a very jarring experience to say the least -- but the first day of walking to work was almost (dare I say it) fun.

Today was not so fun - and by tomorrow I'm sure I'll be over it.

The options for getting to work aren't that appealing - I could:
A) Walk - It's a pain in the ass and makes my feet hurt (I refuse to wear sneakers to work - I'd feel too much like Melanie Griffith in "Working Girl")
B) Take The PATH Train - It takes an annoying detour to NJ in between Christopher Street and the World Trade Center, It takes as long as walking AND for the past two days I've ended up with someones armpit in my face the entire ride.
C) Take a Cab - Only $10, but there is so much traffic in the morning and evening rush that it may take longer then options A or B

I really should look into getting a pony.

I consider myself to be one of the lucky ones - I only have any hour commute. My friend Brian reported that it took him almost 4 hours to get to work --- It takes less time to get to Miami!

If I needed to take a cab I could afford the fare, and there always would be the option of working from home if I really needed too. Many of the blue collar workers in NYC aren't as lucky.

On the bright side (for me anyway) I was able to go to the DMV and renew my licence in under 5 minutes - and last minute Christmas shopping is easy when the stores are COMPLETELY EMPTY.

Hopefully the Transit Workers Union will realize that times have changed in the business world and that union members have to deal with the same fiscal realities as the rest of us.

Scenes From Miami

2005-12-21T23:25:00.000-05:00

The area behind our hotel in downtown Miami

Our hotel downtown

Can you spot the Phallic Christmas decorations in this photo of Little Havana?

Our hotel in South Beach

View from South Beach hotel window

Marvin having a "Pink Flamingos" moment

Celebrating Hanukkah on the beach

Photo of the day

2005-12-12T15:17:00.000-05:00

I am a bad blogger

2005-12-11T23:39:00.000-05:00

It's been weeks since I've last updated this blog, so I thought a slight update to the above graphic would be appropriate.

December has brought its usual "year end rush" at work - where all of us struggle to complete all the tasks we promised to finish in 2005. Crunch time has consumed my life for the last few weeks, leaving little time to blog about all the slightly interesting (to me at least) things going on in my life.

First - I saw an absolutely fantastic concert. Sometime in the spring of this year Marvin became a huge Goldfrapp fan -- and I feel like I've been brainwashed with their recent CD (scheduled for release in the US sometime in the Spring). Marvin hasn't stopped playing the import since the moment he got it - and it's really a terrific album.

As is the case with most of the other great music released in the last 15 years or so, Goldfrapp has been largely ignored in the US. Their last album got a bit of club play - the song "Twist" was mixed by Jacques Lu Cont and "Strict Machine" had an amazing set of mixes by Peter Rauhofer - but I can't say I've ever heard any of their music on the radio or seen a video of theirs in rotation on MTV in the United States. When I was last in South America I saw the video for "Twist" literally once an hour, and the band has seen much chart success in the UK. It was a pleasant surprise to see them do a US Tour Date -- one night only at the Nokia theater in NYC.

The band is very eclectic -- the lead singer Allison Goldfrapp gives off a vibe that is exactly 1/2 sex goddess, 1/2 total weirdo - and it totally works. She was accompanied at points by two half naked dancers who were always slightly disturbing. When the dancers first appeared they were in bikinis with wolf heads -- they would later appear in giant Mirror Ball covered Horse Heads (while the band performed a song called "Ride a White Horse") and simulate masturbation with their tails.

Her voice was crystal clear and is one of the few artists who sounds as good (or better) in person as they do on their CD. The show itself was only about 1:15 long - but apparently the band will be coming back to the US (most likely with a longer show) in the spring. I highly suggest you check them out.

In the meantime, they've just released the first US single from the album called "Number 1" with a remix by Superchumbo - it's going to be huge in the clubs.

For more on the concert (and to see where I stole the above pic from) click here

I also made time recently to see the "Rent" movie -- which (if nothing else) made me feel really, really OLD.

The above pic was taken in 1996 (ALMOST 10 YEARS AGO) when my friend Heather and I decided that we were going to sleep out in front of the Nederlander Theater in hopes of getting front row tickets to the show shortly after it opened.

Above: Chas, Anthony Rapp (Mark from the original cast of RENT, as well as the movie) and myself after the show - circa 1997

At the time RENT didn't seem like a show - more of an experience. RENT's message of being who you are regardless of what people think is espically important in today's America - where it seems that you're only acceptable if you live within the parameters of the "Religious Right".

The movie did a great job of converting the show from the stage to the screen, And still managed to evoke emoiton after all these years. My one complaint about the movie was that they converted many of the previously sung lines of dialog to spoken word -- which would have been fine - had they changed the rhyme scheme. It sounded in parts like they were almost rapping in slow motion.

Other then that minor criticism, I really enjoyed the film.

Finally - in not so great popular music news - Madonna has given a previously unreleased track from "Confessions on a Dancefloor" to fan club members called "Superpop". While I really enjoyed "Confessions" (it does feature many great tracks) it is clear that some songs from these sessions are better off remaining unreleased. A sample of the lyrics includes:

If you want to reach the top
(Reach the top)
If you do, you’ll never stop

f I was a star, I would be who I am today.
If I was a fighter, I’d be Cassius Clay.
If I was emotion, I would be intense.
If I was a man, I would be president.

I’ll be different,
If I’m the president.
I’ll be different,
If I’m the president.

If I was an animal, I’d be a dog.
If I was a dog, I would be a man.
If I was a man, I’d be the president.
If I was the president, I’d be different.

Also, the song features a sound effect of a barking dog.

Sometimes this woman could use a little bit of help from a lyricist -- although it's not quite as bad as her "I Love New York" track:

I don't like cities, but I like New York
Other places make me feel like a dork

If you don't like my attitude, then you can F-off
Just go to Texas, isn't that where they golf?
New York is not for little pussies who scream
If you can't stand the heat, then get off my street

I guess they all can't be winners...

Happy Thanksgiving

2005-11-23T02:10:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving from Tom, Marvin and the ladies of the far West Village

Sushi & Sodmy (all in one night)

2005-11-22T00:07:00.000-05:00

Two great tastes that taste great together?

On Saturday night Marvin and I met up with Laura (a friend from college) and her boyfriend to hit up the all you can eat sushi dinner at the (always fantastic) Yuka and a showing of the new off-broadway show Sodom: The Musical

I think the Sodom show deserves a mention on the blog for three reasons -

1. It had the cop from the Village people as one of the supporting actors (playing God no less)
2. It's the only show I've ever seen that mentions fisting (twice!)
3. The musical accompaniment for the show was a bad drag queen ("He looks like your Uncle Bob in a tired dress" as Marvin would say) playing a casio keyboard.

Only in New York.

Edit - I re-read my post (and accompanying comment) and realized that it probably came across as much nastier than I intended to be. I very much enjoyed the intentional camp factor of the show (as well as the musical accompaniment) and recommend it for an interesting evening of theater.

Eating Out

2005-11-17T00:20:00.000-05:00

Since the day I moved into my current apartment in Chelsea I've often passed a building flying the Spanish flag and frequented by large, cigar smoking Spanish speaking men. I never quite knew what it was until Marvin sent me this review from the New York Times. Apparently, the building houses La Nacional- a gathering spot/restaurant for Spanish ex patriots that supposedly had the best paella in New York.

Marvin and I are always up for trying a new restaurant so we decided to check it out (and invited Rich to join us). About half way through the meal Marvin started to look a little nervous --- later explaining that he thought he had seen a LARGE RAT run from one corner of the dining room to the other. Marvin's sighting was confirmed when one of the Spanish men exclaimed "Mira! Rattone!" and called over the waitress.

The worst part of the whole experience was that when Marvin voiced his complaint over our rodent companions the waitress pretended (badly) that this was the first time she had heard of something like this --- the woman literally walked over to the corner where the rat had ran earlier - took a quick look and shrugged her shoulders.

Needless to say this restaurant has been put on our dining black list - and is the first restaurant to be blacklisted with distinction.

The following evening I went from fur to feathers when I visited The Peking Duck House in Chinatown with my coworkers.

I'm not a vegetarian by any stretch of the imagination, but I'd like to believe that the meat I eat originated in the supermarket -- needless to say, I did not like the fact that everything I was served at the Peking Duck House HAD A FACE.

I'm sure people who enjoy more authentic Chinese cuisine would have loved this restaurant, but the presentation was a bit too "real" for my tastes.

From Fish to Foul everything seemed to be looking at me - but at least at this restaurant all the animals around were of the dead kind.

Marvin Is The Rosa Parks of Chelsea

2005-11-06T23:45:00.000-05:00

Marvin and I were walking home the other night when we saw a cab driver almost mow down a bicyclist in the middle of an intersection in Chelsea. The bicyclist was visibly shaken and shouted at the cab driver to watch where he was going. The cab driver then proceeded to stop his car in the middle of the intersection and start screaming at the cyclist - calling him a "fucking faggot" about 5x in a matter of 30 seconds.

Before I could even react I saw Marvin shaking his finger at the cab driver and telling him to watch who he calls a faggot -
next thing I know this small man is gesturing that he's going to fight Marvin in the middle of the intersection.

At this point two women from Long Island start complaining that they need to get to a party and quickly get into the cab in question and speed off toward midtown.

It was like something out of an after school special.

Like a well trained New Yorker Marvin pulls out his cell phone and dials 311 to make a complaint. Marvin somehow remembered the cab number and it seems the driver will now be charged with a variety of offenses. I'm sure there will be a follow up blog post when Marvin goes to the cabbie's hearing.

I'm not sure why people who would never think of making a racial slur see no problem with the anti-gay ones -- and I really don't understand when a member of a minority group uses a slur against another minority group.

The moral of the story is that if you're a bigot cabbie with poor driving skills I'd advise you to avoid Chelsea. Marvin will put you in your place.

He's just like Rosa Parks- only Marvin really doesn't do public transportation.

That Shit Was Bananas (B-A-N-A-N-A-S)

2005-11-05T23:44:00.000-05:00

Halloween is long over and yet I still have no posting on the blog about it -- and a late post is better then no post, right?

This year's costume theme?
Gewn Stefani and the Harijuku Girls

After a couple of very strong drinks we put on our conway finest, armed ourselves with a portable stereo and headed down to the NYC Halloween parade.

One of our Goals of the evening was to get on TV. We were very excited to find the NY 1 Cameras around the half way point of the parade --- unfortunately there were a ton of people clamoring for a spot on television.

I was determined to get us on the air - if we had spent all this time to look ridiculous and embarrass ourselves then we were going to embarrass ourselves to the largest possible audience.

We did what any bunch of attention sluts would do - we put down our boom box - cranked "Hollaback Girl" and performed for the crowd.

The NY1 Anchor heard the crowd screaming, turned around and told us that she thought we were hysterical and needed to be on the broadcast.

Not only did we end up on TV, we ended up on the Halloween highlight reel! We were featured in a clip shown on NY 1 every 15 minutes all day on November 1st. You can see the report (entitled: From Superheroes To Super Weirdoes, This Year's Halloween Parade Took City By Storm) here. Be sure to notice the look of fear on the face of the NY1 Anchor when I attempt to dance with her.

I learned some very important lessons this Halloween:

- Pumps are not comfortable (espically conway pumps) - women deserve an award for walking in those things
- I still make a very ugly woman
- Small children, gay men and black women are were the biggest fans of our group
- Makeup is gross
- I am taking a hiatus of all things Gwen Stefani for a bit - if I hear "Hollaback Girl" one more time I will kill myself.
- Even if you are wearing a wig, women's clothing and dark sunglasses into your local pizza shop, the woman behind the counter can still tell who you are - regardless of how disguised you think you look.
- If you are going to look like an ass in public, be sure to take your friends down with you

My Confession

2005-11-04T23:38:00.000-05:00

I REALLY like the new Madge album!

Here are the tracks, in particular order...

1. PUSH - sexy, catchy, groovy
2. Sorry
3. Hung Up
4. How High
5. Jump
6. Future Lovers
7. Get Together
8. Let It Will Be
9. Forbidden Love
10. Isaac
11. Like It Or Not
12. I Love New York - interesting music, horrendous lyrics - "I don't like cities, but I like New York - other places make me feel like a dork..." I'd take the 'American Life' rap anyday over this!

I found #1-3 all to be fantastic - #4-8 a close second -

Overall, I think the production is spot-on - hooks are 'gooey' - and the album as a whole demands that you listen again and again.

People expecting an album of 'Hung Up's may be disappointed at first with the slightly melancholy melodies. Once i got over it, I really really enjoyed it.

Jury is still out on where I would place it against her other albums - but it would definitly fall in the top 3 (along with Erotica and Ray Of Light).

And although 'someone' close to me may have provided the 'advance copy', TRUST that I'll be first on-line to purchase it on 11/15!

The video should have been a good indicator of my feelings towards the album - in just 4 minutes, the (drag) queen of pop repeatedly and gratuitously gyrates her cooch while wearing pink leotards, makes out with a 20-something latin club kid, and humps a boom box.

Now, isn't that the Madonna we all really know and love?

Edit (by Tom)-

Sarah pointed out how similar that Madonna EMA pic above looks like this:

Is she re-inventing herself as Rainbow Brite?

Peanuts, Pads & Pumps

2005-10-29T09:46:00.000-04:00

Halloween is almost upon us, and with Halloween comes the need to get a new costume.

Last year Marvin and I decided to march in the Halloween parade dressed as two of our favorite pop icons of the moment- Latoya Jackson and J-Lo. In the end people were able to identify Marvin's costume but had no idea what the hell I was supposed to be. I personally think I looked like Diana Ross during her alcoholic period.

We decided it was time to get back into the heels (or in Marvin's case, pink Uggs) and find a more ridiculous costume for this year's event -- we'd need more flash, more trash, more skin and more of a group theme to shock, disturb and otherwise and scare our neighbors.

We gathered up some friends and headed out to a place where we knew we could find the most fantastical synthetic ho clothing in all of New York City -- the one and only Conway -- a store so amazing that the mid 90s dance act "Reel 2 Real" wrote a song about it (of course Marvin owns the single)

We were pleasantly surprised to find that Conway plays recent house music as it's in store entertainment - prompting us to nickname it "Club Conway". It was nice to have something to listen to as we thumbed through the mounds of polyester.

We were in the store for a solid 2 hours - it took a while to select the perfect outfit ---- but no outfit is complete without the right shoes.

There was a sign stating that women's shoes could be found on the lower level- the only problem was that the shoe section was completely hidden! After a few minutes of searching we found a little piece of discount hooker shoe heaven -- One isle of shoes jam packed with pleather shoes of all shapes and sizes wedged conveniently between the isles selling bags of peanuts and feminine hygiene products. How many other stores can you think of where you can get clear heels, satisfy your craving for salty nuts and cleanse your vagina?

My favorite part of the Conway experience is the helpful staff. At one point we were comparing the merits of various colors of thigh high pleather stiletto boots when a conway worker informed us that "These are not men's shoes" -- thanks for that helpful tidbit.

In the end, our shopping trip was a success -- we left with 3 bags full of Conway goodness -- and even though one of my friends (I'm talking about you Emily) refused to be seen with her Conway bag (forcing her boyfriend Mike to carry it) I have to say I am not ashamed!

Watch for us - rockin' the conway - on Monday night

The Definition of Wrong - #4

2005-10-26T22:44:00.000-04:00

Being in the loo while random work people very audibly go #2.

Tick Tick Tock - It's a quarter to 2...

2005-10-23T22:50:00.000-04:00

So, it was an interesting Saturday around these parts. Marvin and I were supposed to go to Philadelphia, but unfortunately I ended up working until late Saturday evening making that an impossibility.

After an unexpected 2 hour nap we decided to check out the much rumored Madonna appearance at Roxy. Since we have a complete inability to go out at any kind of normal hour we didn't end up getting to the club until almost 2am.

The place was a complete madhouse - people wall to wall--- And more girls then I've ever seen at the Roxy (especially on a Saturday night!)

They had replaced the "O" in Roxy with the disco ball from the cover of the new Madonna CD--- oh -- and upped the cover charge at the door to $25 (for members) or $40 for non-members. That pretty much sealed that she was going to make an appearance.

We get inside only to find an even longer line. After waiting for about 10 minutes I hear people screaming and the bass line to "Hung Up" blasting in the main room. She was there - AND I WAS ON LINE. This was clearly not going to do.

In the end we managed to make it inside to hear the end of one of her songs entitled "I Love New York" and a track entitled "Sorry". Both of these tracks made me even more excited for the CD then I had been previously.

It was great to see Madonna out and about - she does not look like an almost 50 year old woman! I only wish she would have actually done ...something during her visit to the Roxy. All she did was shake her ass up on the stage and introduce her album -- and sweat her ass off (along with the rest of the crowd). I guess it's better then nothing!

Peter Rauhofer was the DJ that night and played an excellent set-- although he did play multiple mixes of "Hung Up" during the course of the night. I like the song and all, but 4 times is excessive!

The one thing I'm disappointed about is that Madonna also made an appearance down the block from me at the Misshapes
party @ Luke & Leroy. I had really wanted to go and hear Stuart Price's DJ set. For those who don't know he's a fantastic producer/remixer who also produced Madonna's latest album. I even commented to Marvin earlier in the week how if Madonna was going to show up at any party it would be the Misshapes party!

She apparently spun (with Stuart's help) for half an hour to a small crowd (who only paid $5 to get in I might add!) - but again - some Madonna is better then no Madonna!

In related news - I am going to try and not mention Madonna for at least another week on this blog. As much as I love her she's getting too much air time here!

"I'm going to tell you a secret..."

2005-10-21T01:38:00.000-04:00

Tom and I are very excited about the very special guest appearance in our apartment this weekend...

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......DON'T TELL ANYONE!!! I even heard there might be some cameos by her celebrity friends:

Donna Summer.........

Cher.....and for one night only.................

Only $15 before 1 AM with your John Blair card!

oh .. and she won't be at roxy

2005-10-20T23:29:00.000-04:00

Oh- and I'd like to also go on record to say that I don't believe for a second that Madonna will be at the Roxy this weekend. I don't care who "confirmed" that she'll be there - they are wrong. Madonna at the Roxy is so 1998.

If you're going to go to the Roxy on Saturday you should check out the party to celebrate 20 Years of the Hooker Diner - aka The Florent. There's a terrific writeup of the history of the famous meatpacking district diner here. Even though Marvin claims its food causes explosive diarrhea, I still have to say I'm a fan.

edit-
Ok- I take it back. If they are charging $10 more at the door then usual I'd bet she will be there

Recent Weirdness in my life

2005-10-20T11:06:00.000-04:00

Apparently my Time Warner DVR (aka - Time Warner's ghetto TiVo knock-off) has gone wild. It has started to randomly record half hours of QVC. So far I've gotten a few half hours dedicated to jewelry and one dedicated to women's fashions "inspired by country living"

I was on Staten Island with my family the other day, and while walking back from breakfast I was saw something strange moving down the street. When I got closer I noticed that there were three HUGE wild turkeys on the street. Not only were these turkeys huge but they had no fear of people at all - and they (like most of the inhabitants of Staten Island) had one nasty attitude.

bottom line - beware of turkey and DVR's.

Top 10 - Oct 18 2005

2005-10-18T00:04:00.000-04:00

1. Simply Red - Perfect Love (Roger Sanchez Dirty Dub)
2. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me (Joey Negro Club Mix)
3. DJ Tekin feat. Beth Trollan - Wait Forever (Original Mix)
4. Inaya Day - I Am Tha 1 (Mike Cruz Remix)
5. Veronica - Relentless 2005 (Just A Dream)
6. Sandy Rivera Meets Robert Owens - Just Won't Do (Mix / Dub)
7. Suzanne Palmer - Fascinated (Johnny Vicious Mix / Gomi & Escape Mix)
8. David Longoria feat. CeCe Peniston - Deeper Love (L.E.X. Mix / L.E.X. Dub)
9. Anthony Acid - Sweat (Stephan Grondin Mix)
10. Korn - Twisted Transistor (Eric Kupper Dub)

Hung Up (on you)

2005-10-13T00:20:00.000-04:00

This has to be one of the weirdest record company promotions I've seen - Madonna and Warner Brothers records have set up a "confession line" where you can call and share your dirty little secrets with her Madgesty.

1-888-2-CONFESS

So which confession should I make? The time I was hitchhiking nude in Florida? Maybe the time I fantasized about making out with a black saint while I had the stigmata? Or how about the time I made out with Britne....never mind.

The Greatest Story Ever Told

2005-10-12T22:59:00.000-04:00

From The New York Times:

'Harvey Finklestein's Sock Puppet Showgirls' is a unique and unauthorized parody of the Joe Eszterhas film, 'Showgirls' as performed by sock puppets. The play, like the beloved film, follow an ambitious young drifter as she navigates her way through that world of power, topless dancing, seduction, vulgarity, gambling and sex that we call Las Vegas. If you haven't seen sock puppets pole dance, you haven't experienced the true power of the theater. — TheaterSource

Buy tickets here

Clearly I will not be missing this once in a life time theatre event!

Don't Let It Be Squirrels

2005-10-12T09:20:00.000-04:00

From the South London Press...

NATURE lovers fear that squirrels could become hooked on crack cocaine plundered from addicts' hidden stashes. The furry animals are thought to be behind a new drugs turf war in Brixton - stealing rocks of crack hidden in front gardens.

Tough police action to rid the town centre of dealers and addicts has seen crackheads abandon their usual drug stash hideouts. But the blitz has displaced some dealing into nearby residential streets. Drug addicts are known to be hiding small stashes of crack rocks in people's front lawns late at night. Squirrels have been spotted in the same front gardens, seemingly hunting out the buried narcotics. The discovery has led some residents to speculate that the squirrels are already in the grips of addiction.

One resident, who asked for his name to be withheld, told the South London Press. "I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash.

"An hour earlier I'd seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds.

"It looked like it knew what it was looking for.

"It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging.

"It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."

Crack squirrels are a recognised phenomena in the US.

They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC.

The squirrels have attacked park visitors in their frenzied search for their next fix.

An RSPCA spokesman said he was unaware of the squirrels taking crack in Brixton.

...And in other news

2005-10-06T00:27:00.000-04:00

...Rich @ fourfour has posted some amusing Whitney Houston pics taken from this site, which includes some amazing candid Whitney photos such as the one you see below.

CondaLezzie Rice and The Temple of Poon (and other random thoughts)

2005-10-05T23:18:00.000-04:00

Ok - I'll admit it - I'm a bit of a (Condi) Rice Queen -- I don't really agree with any of her politics, but there's something very campy about this woman. Maybe it's the way that she always looks so angry.

I've always wondered if she were a bit of a lesbian -- and it's totally not because she's a strong woman or a successful female - she just gives off that vibe.

Regardless if she's a lesbian or not, the following exchange that took place with James Rosen on Fox & Friends is VERY amusing [taken from Radar On-Line 'cause you know I'm not watching Fox!]

ROSEN: … All right. I close with a gift for you. You met this person once, I believe, but you really, I think, ought to know each other because this woman is… I think you’ll have an interest in knowing her. She is one of our Fox News anchors in New York. Her name is Lauren Green. She is brilliant, she’s beautiful, she’s African-American, she’s single and she’s a concert pianist in her spare time.

RICE: My goodness.

ROSEN: And she asked me to give you her CD and I promised her that I would.

RICE: That’s perfect.

ROSEN: And here’s her doing a number of different classical pieces.

RICE: Well, that’s special.

ROSEN: So there you have it.

RICE: Thank her very much and I look forward to seeing her sometime.

ROSEN: All right. She’s going to want to hear from you.

RICE: And maybe even playing dual piano sometime.

Are you sure you don't mean dueling banjos Condi?

Dueling Banjos - V. Two or more people masturbating eachother, or engaging in masturbation with eachother.

****

In other amusing/scary news, James Dobson of the ultra-right "we took the fun out of fundamentalist" pseudo Christian radio show "Focus on the Family" is waiting for a sign from God as to if he should endorse George Bush's pick for the supreme court - Harriet Miers.

he says:

"If this is not the person you want on that Supreme Court, all you have to do is tell me so, and do it through any means you want to." ...

The full article is here and comes to us via The Huffington Post

I showed this article to a friend of mine who asked me if I was showing him a satire site like The Onion - but no, it's real.

I'm wondering what kind of notification James expects from God. Does God do email?

to: james@focusonthefamily.com
from: jehova@gmail.com

Hi James -
Long time no speak. Sorry to keep you waiting, but I haven't made up my mind about Harriet yet. I'll be out of the office for the rest of the week and don't know if I'll have internet access, so I'll either send you a note from my blackberry or start a burning bush in front of your house or something (get it? burning bush?) -

thanks,
God

PS: Tell Condi to stop being so uptight. She could bag much hotter chicks if she'd smile once in a while.
*****

In equally surreal news, Anna Nicole Smith will be having her multi-million dollar inheritance case tried before the supreme court. The Daily News ran an article about how important wardrobe will be to the verdict of her case:

>>
Should she take some pointers from new court-nominee Harriet Miers, who showed up for her big day at the Oval Office in a conservative indigo suit and comfort pumps? Or should the former Playmate just stick to her trashy roots, sporting spandex and a TrimSpa banner?

"She shouldn't flirt with John Roberts," says celebrity image consultant Daniel DiCriscio, who believes Anna had better go for broke - or wind up broke. "I really think she needs to be very direct, very clean. She shouldn't be wearing any getups. I know she's Anna and she can do anything, but this it: Either you make an impression now, or you get nothing.

"Anna Nicole has to strike a chord that's somewhere between manipulative gold digger and flaky bimbo vixen," says Clinton Kelly, co-author, with Stacy London, of "Dress Your Best" (Three Rivers Press, $18.95). "This will be difficult. So, if she asked me, I'd counsel her to stay away from black, which would look too severe - not to mention that her grieving period should be over about now." Adds London, "Under no circumstances should she wear pink or show any cleavage."
<<

No pink? Clearly Bobby Trendy won't be wardrobing her for the hearing.

Poor Anna. Surely she can hide the fact that she's a trashy ho for a little while, right?

>>

"It's a bit late for her to pull back the image," says Simon Doonan, creative director of Barneys New York. "I mean, that would be definitely shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. So she really needs to deliver the full-on burlesque supervixen. It's gotta be something from the Southern Italians."

<<

Amd speaking of Italians - somehow Frankie Gotti (of *that* Gotti family) has collected $300,000 and opened his own tanning salon in Long Island - at age 15!

Even at this young age he seems to already be a smart businessman -

>>
The salon, to employ 12 people, is just the first in a chain Frankie has planned. He hopes to have his second salon next year on Staten Island.
<<

No one loves fake tanning like the citizens of Staten Island. People on SI are so overtanned that they actually become a shade of grey - affectionaly known to me as "Staten Island Grey".

****

Finally, I've saved "the best" for last - via The Huffington Post:

Legislation has been introduced in the Indiana legislature that would prohibit gays, lesbians and single people in Indiana from using medical science to assist them in having a child.

The bill has the support of Senator Patricia Miller, the chair of the Health Finance Commission where the legislation is currently being considered.

The actual bill can be found here - it states that a woman needs a "gestational certificate" in order to pursue any type of fertility procedure. The woman must be married and complete a screening process to be eligible. Part of that screening process includes proof that the woman has "[participated] in faith-based or church activities". Yup - still not satire.

I wonder if this law includes a loophole for Condi?

What the cluck?

2005-10-01T14:16:00.000-04:00

Anyone who's been on a NYC subway in the past 3 years has seen the MTA's "If You See Something, Say Something" ad campaign.

As a rule I generally pay close attention to what is going on around me in the subway- not so much out of a fear of terrorism, but a fear that some mofo will attempt to steal my ipod.

Yesterday evening I noticed a woman with a very suspicious package across the train from me - it was a white, semi crushed cardboard box (with holes on the side) held together by some frayed string.

Imagine my surprise when about five minutes into the trip I saw A LIVE CHICKEN stick it's head out of the box! The owner of the box simply nonchalantly pushed the chicken's head back into the box and continued to read her Danielle Steele novel.

Only in New York.

Fanning the flames of my faggotry

2005-09-30T19:59:00.000-04:00

Today Marvin and I got some new music, and as we were walking home he commented on how we had the gayest selection of music ever ---- Barbra Streisand and Madonna.

Pretty gay - but not this gay.

Wanna Rumble with the Bee?

2005-09-29T23:34:00.000-04:00

I haven't been able to stop listening to the new Lil Kim CD - as I've mentioned before - GO BUY IT! NOW!

Although she's put out the best album of her career, she's also unfortunately in jail... and if that weren't bad enough she was forced to cut off her weave!

Poor, poor Kim.

I've been a huge fan of Kim's for a while - one of the highlights of my fandom was when I was front row at a concert and she sang a couple of bars of "Crush On You" to me. For those who are interested, she's really short (duh) and she smells like coco butter.
I snapped this pic of her at that concert:

Back in college I gave a Lil Kim poster to my friend Lynette - she dressed it up for the holidays.

Note the "pink taco" in the background.

In honor of her new CD, I'd like to list Kim's top 10 rhymes:

10.
I made my Intro
getting fucked in the Pinto
Now I'm skin deep in da Lexus Jeep
Peep da Queen sista
If I would fuck wit Mista
They'd be lickin blackberry molasses out my asses
-Dreams

9.
Bet I wet cha like hurricanes and typhoons
Got buffoons eatin my pussy while I watch cartoons
-Queen Bitch

8.
Niggas wanna run up in my pussy like a Pap smear
-Queen Bitch, Part II

7.
See a nigga you like?
Give em a pussy invite
It's aiight
maybe get ya pussy sucked tonight
-Do What You Like

6.
Take it in the butt
Yes, Yes, What!
-Big Momma Thang

5.
Queen bitch, the red lipstick
The all black harley
call me black barbie
Fuck a blow
it's so mothafuckin' hobby
Under seven inches?
ehhh! sorry.
Minimen i can't fuck with them.
I like to ride the cock till ya hit the spot

-Get Naked

4.
Admirin my shoes by Gucci
I be eatin sushi
playin with my coochie
- Get Money (remix)

3.
All my male friends
call me m&m's
Cuz my pussy melt in your mouth
and not in your hands
-Nobody Do It Better

2.
I wanna wake him up to do his duty
Nigga use that tongue, clit to booty, clit to booty
You wanna steal the pussy like a thief
Now kiss the lips without the teeth
-We Don't Need It

1.
The moral of the story is this
You aint lickin' this, you aint stickin' this
And I got witnesses, ask any nigga I been with
They aint hit shit till they stuck they tongue in this
-Not Tonight

...and a bonus rhyme:

You da best, Da Da
Now watch mama, go up and down dick to jaw crazy
Uhh! Say my name baby
Before you nut,
I'ma dribble down your butt cheeks
Make you wiggle
then giggle just a little
-No Time

Don't Let It Be Crack

2005-09-29T17:56:00.000-04:00

via the Lady Bunny:

WHITNEY CAN STILL 'CRACK' A SMILE

Whitney Houston was brought to the South of
France a fortnight ago to perform at a big
party for a Russian billionaire, along with
Christina Aguilera and Enrique Iglesias.

Two hours before the concert was due to
start, Whitney's people called the party
organisers. There was a problem. Whitney
wouldn't be able to sing... because all
her teeth had just fallen out.

Cue frantic dash to find a discreet private
dentist to make up a serviceable set of
false teeth so the gig could go ahead.

I saw the sign

2005-09-27T23:00:00.000-04:00

An editor for NY blog The Gothamist posted a photo of a sign that he found in his hallway this morning:

Do you really need to remind people not to pee in the hallway?
I shouldn't be surprised - after all, this sign hangs in the courtyard of my building:

That's right - if you're looking to shit on someone for sexual pleasure you'd better check elsewhere - because scatting is not allowed here.

And while we're on the subject of signs that are wrong..

Greetings from Atlantic City - Part One

2005-09-27T01:20:00.000-04:00

We've been bad and haven't blogged in a while -- but like Lil' Kim we are back.

It's been said that a picture is worth a thousand words. If that statement is true, this post is worth about ten million words

Marvin and I took a little trip down to Atlantic City this past weekend:

AC is a very strange place - filled with the old (and the WEIRD!) - This man is an example of the Weird - he was doing a weird puppet act while playing Suzanne Vega's "Tom's Diner" and dressed in head to toe spandex.

This joke writes itself:

Finally, Marvin and I explored the finest shops in AC (ok- the 99 cent store) and found some fantastic Jersey postcards - I'm posting the ones I bought, watch for Marvin's post tomorrow to see the rest!

who needs baywatch?

or Vegas?

What's up with the girl in the middle?

Since when does Trump do Christian revivals? Since about 1986 apparently.

and finally, my favorite:

Put Your lighters up - The Queen Bitch is back

2005-09-26T23:44:00.000-04:00

Lil' Kim's new CD drops today - The Naked Truth.

I've made it to track 6 and it's fantastic so far. I see why The Source made Kim the first female artist ever to get five mics

I can't wait until I get to the track called "Kitty Box"

Go buy it NOW (even if you download the mp3s)

PS: Lighters up to Rich for sending me the cd a few hours early.

The Definition of Wrong - #3

2005-09-19T22:14:00.000-04:00

Tonight's "definition of wrong" comes to us from Emily "everyone loves an Asian girl" Le- she told us this story at dinner last night and I thought it was too ridiculous not to post.

>>
So, Mike and I were getting me tampons at Duane Reade -
I was trying to decide amongst the seemingly hundreds of options when we heard someone in the next aisle over using one of those annoying walkie-talkie phones that beeps constantly. As we headed back upstairs to checkout we realized the person on the walkie talkie was actually a Duane Reade employee and was on the escalator right behind us. It was then that we heard the content of the conversation for the first time, albeit somewhat mumbled and in a Rosie Perez-esque voice: "Yeah, and yew betta weea yewa clea stilettos..." As the conversation continued, we realized that the guy was having phone sex over the walkie-talkie...Mike made this face at me and we b-lined it to the closest register. only in NY.
<<

Duane Reed employee - you are both a cheap bastard and the definition of wrong.
If you're going to have PHONE SEX please spend the extra .10 and use a phone.

Emily also included a bonus "wrong"

>>
ps- on the subway home last night we sat next to an overweight man wearing denim shorts with a very opened button down short sleeved denim shirt...underneath the shirt you ask? a dominatrix outfit in the form of the letter "X" pressed up against his chest hair. we (and it appeared the lesbians across from us) did not appreciate this public display of sexwear.
<<

I <3 NY

Where to go for Pho

2005-09-18T23:58:00.000-04:00

Tonight Marvin and I joined our friends Emily and Mike for some Vietnamese food "way downtown" in Chinatown.

Chinatown is usually a place that evokes fear in me. I had lived there in the summer of 2001 and swore never to return (for more then a few hours at a time that is). In the course of the 3 months I was in C-town I think I saw more roaches and rats then I had cumulatively seen in my entire life prior.

I know Emily usually has fairly high standards for food (excluding during the blackout of 2003 where she was reduced to eating the delicious combo of Pringles & Dinty Moore Stew), so when she told us there was a restaurant we needed to visit Marv & I went with little hesitation.

Emily was dressed very festively for the occasion, rocking her "Everyone Loves an Asian Girl" t-shirt (seen here
(modeled by a white woman for some reason)

The restaurant was called Nha Trang, which I believe translates to "really cheap food" in Vietnamese. We all ordered a noodle/broth based dish called Pho. The food was very tasty - and dinner for 4, two appetizers and five sodas came to $38 --- clearly you can only get food this cheap in Chinatown. The only downside to the whole dining experience is the restaurant seemed to like to hide tripe in the Pho - so if you're not prepared for random cuts of meat mysteriously appearing in your broth you may want to make sure to order your meal specifically without it.

Of course no trip to Chinatown is complete without experiencing the "Chinatown stench" - a smell of rotting garbage the likes I haven't experienced since I last worked at The Staten Island Mall (directly across the street from the Fresh Kills Landfill.)

All in all, Nha Trang is highly recommend.

Things that are dumb

2005-09-16T00:21:00.000-04:00

1. The new ad campaign for New York Sports Clubs. For those who live outside the area (or haven't seen it) the campaign is "______ better" - the idea that with each new ad they will "fill in the blank" with details about how a NYSC membership will enhance your lives. They've given out tshirs to the staff and encouraged them to fill in the blanks themselves. Most of the shirts ended up with what you'd expect - "Look Better", "Feel Better", etc - but some of the staff did get creative. My favorite entries we're the "Work This T-shirt Better" and the "Drop It Like It's Hot Better". Surprisingly enough no one had a "Cruise Better" or "Do Crystal at the Roxy Better" t-shirt.

2. Speaking of dumb- we had some women from Equinox come in to work to try and sell memberships to their clubs. It looked like they they picked the hottest women employees they could find, squeezed them into a uniform one size too small and unleashed them upon my company. These women were also as shameless as they were hot - clearly sticking their cleavage in my face as many times as possible during our brief conversation. Clearly this was a waste of time.

Of course, no conversation on dumb things would be complete without touching upon our president.

Thanks to Reuters, we now know that W has to ask Condi Rice for permission to use the bathroom.

On another note entirely- thanks to my brother Chuck for designing us a new banner!

Ethical dilemma #1

2005-09-14T00:08:00.000-04:00

On my flight to Dallas yesterday, I was faced with a rather large ethical dilemma. The man sitting directly in front of me stunk. I'm talking completely unbearable rankness. Like week-old falafel and farts. So - what, if anything, can one do in such a situation (note: flight is full so you can't change seats)? Is there a P.C. way to bring this up? What would you say? "Excuse me, have you smelled J-Lo's newest fragrance? Here, take a whiff." Is this something worth pressing the 'Call Flight Attendant' button? "Miss (or Mister) - you look exhausted - why don't you sit here and I'll pass out the snack mix and take it from here".

After deciding against all of the above, I positioned the air vent towards the tip of my nose and cranked it on high.

I've taken an interest in the animals displaced and in need from Hurricane Katrina. One such relevant story:

"Many of the flood victims in New Orleans refused to leave their pets behind, and found ways to hang onto them and secretly carry them onto rescue vehicles. According to the HSUS, one such case was a lovebird that made the bus trip to Houston hidden in its owner's bra."

http://www.vvdailypress.com/2005/112661697697729.html

If you're moved as much as I am, please donate to the ASPCA, Humane Society, or any other such organization helping our small friends. FYI - $25 is often enough to feed and care for a sheltered animal for an entire year!

A Visual Guide to the Manhattan Boro President Primary

2005-09-12T22:36:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, September 13th is the Democratic primary election in New York City. The race for mayor is all but decided already (it's gonna be Bloomberg - everyone else go home)-- besides, who would vote for someone with the name Weiner anyway?

The Manhattan borough president election is shaping up to be much more interesting -- As a community service I am providing you a voters guide below.

Brian Ellner aka the gay one
Pros: Has anti-George Bush commercial on TV, he can't be that bad! Could unleash the forces of fierceness on the office of boro president.
Cons: Do we really need an inauguration party at XL?

Carlos Manzano
Pros: Immigrant from Colombia (the country, not the school) - self made professional
Cons: This mofo has sent me more junk mail in the last two months then every credit card company combined. He is the real world equivalent of the "enlarge your penis now" email spam.

Eva Moskowitz
Pros: I know nothing about this woman except all her campaign appearances and flyers seem to try to make us think of Eva Peron - and who doesn't love Evita?
Cons: I think that if the boro presidental candidates were competing in an "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" Eva Peron impersonation contest Eva Moskowitz would loose - Carlos Manzano would place second - he is from South America after all. Clearly Brian Ellner would place first - you know that she's probably walked the runway in heels and a tiara at least once or twice before.

Margarita Lopez or M-Lo as her photo description says
Pros: When her posters first went up in the neighborhood a man passing by commented "Work the teeth bitch!" - We could harness the scariness of her teeth and use them as an effective deterrent to crime and potential terrorists.
Cons: She scares small children. Could be long lost latin cousin of Jerri Blank (see below)

The Definition of Wrong - #2

2005-09-12T00:06:00.000-04:00

We're on the verge of repainting the apartment..the living room has been a shade of dark red for almost 3 years now and it's time for a change. We decided to head off to Bed, Bath & Beyond to pick up some primer to help cover up the current color.

We went over to what used to be the paint section of the store only to discover that BB&B no longer sells paint--- in it's place they now sell Revlon makeup, deodorant, and hair care products -- wtf?

If we were at any other store we would have just gone home - but Bed, Bath & Beyond is no normal store. I don't think I've ever gone into the store without leaving with multiple items I had no intention of buying. Tonight Marvin and I debated for 10 minutes if we needed to buy "take out plates" - which were tiny dishes with cartoon drawings of Chinese food for use when you order takeout -- because when you live in a small NYC apartment you need a set of dishes specifically for when you order-in Asian food.

On our way through the store we noticed they had a section of foot massagers. We actually watched a woman open a folding chair, put a display foot massager on the floor, and then TAKE OFF HER SHOES AND SOCKS AND GIVE HERSELF A MASSAGE. Not only that, but she had nasty feet- hair on the toes and was in clear need of a pedicure.

I bet she also leaves her period panties in the laundry room of her building.

Lady (whomever you are), tonight you are THE DEFINITION OF WRONG.

Tonight Marvin and I also watched a movie on LOGO (aka - the Gay channel) called Ski Trip.
It was advertised as a groundbreaking, realistic film portrayal of black and Latino gay life in NYC -- in actuality it was almost as bad as the lady with the bad corns at BB&B.
To sum up the hour of which we've seen so far:
- a black gay guy named Corey gets dumped by 'hot chocolate boyfriend', gets depressed and turns 30
- his 5 friends decide to take him on a ski trip - a drag queen who wants to be on Broadway, a Latin bartender who sleeps with everyone, a skinny, bitchy queen who works at a clothing store on Christopher street, a lesbian, and the nice guy friend who is madly in love with Corey
- the bitchy queen brings a "hot piece of ass" to the ski trip, turns out the guy is a male escort
- the lesbian falls in love with a deaf mute woman- but she's secretly having a baby with the drag queen (and haven't told Corey yet)
- The "hot chocolate boyfriend" shows up and it turns out he's straight-- and he's never actually been with Corey
- The words "drama", "bitch", and "girl" have been said about 3,000 times each

Our favorite line in the movie thus far was a speech the male prostitute declares his emancipation from his john:
"Get your hands off me - 'cause you'll never be able to afford my heart"

Is there a rule that 99% of gay movies have to be crap? Can't logo do better then this?

In the news today:

Scientists discover the first ever cocktail - made 5,000 years ago!

Some twisted person makes an amazingly funny "Being Bobby Brown" highlight reel to the tune of "Love that Man"

Exclamations

2005-09-10T00:35:00.000-04:00

The past three weeks have been abound with nonsensical exclamations. A brief recap:

(1) San Francisco - a random mid-afternooon crosstown busride with a postal bus driver. Rants heard: "Does everybody know where they're GOING?!?!??!", "Do you people understand now why double parking is the work of the DEVIL? It's not me making you all late!" And the kicker, his remark to a middle-aged Greek woman who boarded the bus with her elderly wheelchair-bound mother and wasn't quite sure what stop she needed to get off at: "Usually, when people travel around with someone in a wheelchair, they have some idea of where they're going. Does EVERYBODY ELSE know where they're GOING?"

(2) San Francisco - The "End Up" nighclub. Open from Thursday afternoon through Monday evening. Yes folks, there is a town crackier than NYC. And why is it called the "End Up"? Because this is where everybody "Ends Up" after the rest of San Francisco shuts down. Scary? Kinda. Fun? Absolutely.

I ended up meeting a beautiful, smart, and yes, Latina woman named Karina. Think Jessica Simpson with brown hair. Well, after speaking to her for about three hours and finding out we had and incredible amount in common (besides the fact we were born only one day apart), we tied ourselves at the hip for the rest of the evening. One particular friend commented, "Well, now we know what your wife would have looked like", while another chimed in, "Well, now we know what you would have looked like as someone's wife."

(3) NYC - 15th and 8th. Upon our walk to the gym, Tom and I notice a decently dressed vagrant (note: not a bum) strolling up the avenue with his shopping cart. In that moment I realized that I too could be homeless under certain circumstances, and I felt a sense of connection to the poor bloke. That is, until he asked us with the utmost seriousness and inquisitiveness: "Excuse me sir, what does Al Sharpton's toe jam taste like?"

(4) NYC - 14th and 6th. Returning from the gym (another night), another seemingly well composed homeless man is walking towards us. As he passes he leans over to me and yells, "I love Jesus!" I turned around, and proclaimed my love for Jesus as well.

(5) NYC - Avalon (the old Limelight space) - Junior Vasquez was spinning for the premier of his Klear party. For those of y'all that don't know, the main floor typically thumps the best NY house both old and new, and the chapel (i.e. back room) plays radio pop for the kiddies (think: Jason Nevin's mix of Kelly Clarkson's 'Since You've Been Gone'). While we're taking a cocktail break in this gay version of Romper Room, a 20-ish year old kid from Miami flirts with me until I bring Tom over and introduce him as my boyfriend. About 5 minutes go by, and he comes back to say, "You guys are cute. Are you into threesomes?" I politely declined and let him know that although we weren't interested we're sure there are plenty others in the club that would be. Now, I have to give this boy props, for he comes back not a minute later and adds, "I have my friend here too - what about foursomes?" Tom interjects, "Obviously, you don't know enough about local living spaces - it's logistically impossible to fit four people in a New York apartment."

(6) NYC - Avalon - that very same night. My good friend Ren takes the prize with his timeless and tireless cry of fierceness, "WORK BEETCH!"

Finally on a musical note *bad pun*, the freestyle powerhouses formerly known as Cynthia and Lisette Melendez have combined forces to give us LizCyn (pronounced Lis-ten....get it? get it??) and their debut track, "I Can't Change Your Mind". Now maybe it's that cosmic Latina connection, but I really dig this track. With bubblegum lyrics, vocals that come straight from the nasal cavity, and that oh-so-familiar freestyle drum kick, this song reeks of swelterting Saturday afternoons in Seaside Heights circa 1994. Not convinced? Get over to iTunes immediately, and take a liscyn for yourself.

scratch that

2005-09-09T00:42:00.000-04:00

No sooner do I publish the last post then I find Marvin watching Manhattan cable access. For once it was not showing sex ads or Robin Byrd -
right now there is a girl using stuffed Japanese cartoon character dolls to alternate recreating doing ecstasy at a club and having a teenage girl bitch fight.

Clearly I'm getting my $140 a month worth out of Time Warner Cable this month.

Enough of Daddy's Penis for one night!

2005-09-09T00:12:00.000-04:00

Marvin and I were flipping around our 300+ channels of digital cable this evening when we came across MTV's Date My Mom.

"Date My Mom" is a "reality" show where a guy goes on "dates" with the mom's of 3 potential suitors. To our surprise it was gay night on the show - and we tuned in just in time to see the bachelor make his final decision.

One potential date was rejected because he was too into musicals -- the bachelor advised him to take his jazz hands back home to Buffalo, NY.

The mother of the guy who was ultimately chosen got very excited and shouted "Get ready to meet my hot and sexual son!" as this blond hair twinky guy hops out of a black Lincoln town car.

The idea of someones mom calling them "hot and sexual" is a little gross. Mom - if you're reading this (and at some point you probably will) please take note never to refer to me as "hot and sexual".

The aforementioned twinky boy jumps at the bachelor and promptly sticks his tongue in his throat. The camera cuts away to an interview sound bite with the bachelor who exclaims "I can't wait to see if he's as hung as his dad!"

Did I hear that correctly? Thank God for Time Warner's Digital Video Recorder-- yes, I did in fact hear that correctly. So apparently in addition to having a "hot and sexual son" the winning mom has a husband who is a mandingo warrior.

The last shot of the show was the bachelor saying how great it was that the winning contestant just stuck his tongue in his mouth within seconds of meeting him.

Thank you MTV for reinforcing several stereotypes and creeping me out.

Speaking of men packing the heat - apparently Tom Jones has a huge penis -- not only that but Elvira (mistress of the dark) lost her virginity to him (and had to be surgically sewn back up!)

Finally, for those looking for a little penis action of their own, may I direct you to Pathetic Personals [via Lady Bunny]. Very few sites have made me laugh out loud like this one did - I epically enjoyed their links to real life "pathetic personals" like this one which was named "Christian Clown Personal of The Month"

from around the net

2005-09-07T04:20:00.000-04:00

Madonna's new single "Hung Up" leaked on the net in 14-second sound clips here and here. She's also updated her official site for her new album

She's not the only one to drop a new album soon - Lil Kim's new CD comes out at the end of the month - The first single, "Lighters Up" can be heard on her official site

In news that will come as a surprise to... well... no one.. the magazine Radar claims that Clay Aiken is gay .. and has been hooking up with a fellow reality star

The ever annoying Bobby Trendy (of Anna Nicole "fame") has a wardrobe malfunction [thanks for the link Brian]

Did you know there's a kosher beer called He'Brew? It's slogan is "The Chosen Beer" and runs an ad campaign stating "Christ! That's a good beer!" It's also available via Fresh Direct

Confirming what we already know - Gay Chelsea Is Dead - Long Live Gay Hell's Kitchen

Positive (and Negative)

2005-09-07T03:28:00.000-04:00

I've been very busy over the past week (and out of town the past weekend) so I've been unable to post -
I started this blog so I could have a repository for all the random things I see on the net, as well as a place where I could write down all the interesting (and not so interesting) things I see, do, and experience.

It would be weird for me to look back on my entries and not see a single one dedicated to the destruction (and mass chaos) caused by Hurricane Katrina.

Here are two links to charities that Marvin and I have donated to:

The American Red Cross
American Humane Society - rescue pets abandoned as a result of Katrina

On more negative hurricane related notes:

Pat Robertson says hurricane was a good thing because it will take attention off supreme court nomination process

Barbara Bush: “So Many Of The People In The Arena... Were Underprivileged Anyway, So This Is Working Very Well For Them”...

In a huge conflict of interest Bush says - "What I intend to do is lead an investigation to find out what went right and what went wrong"

Bush administration knew of likelyhood of New Orleans disaster, cut funding for flood control anyway

Condi Rice shoe shopping while thousands die -- also here

Bill Clinton says Government failed our people

Celine Dion has a breakdown on CNN

Kanye West says "Bush doesn't care about black people" live on NBC telethon

Even claymation figures knew what would happen if a hurricane hit Louisiana

MTV awards recaps and such

2005-08-31T02:42:00.000-04:00

Rich over at FourFour has a great recap of the MTV Awards the other night - Check it out here

There are some omissions though -

Dishonorable mention goes to Eva Longoria - she came out on stage in the tightest bikini imaginable - so tight that Marvin and I swear we saw labia.

Mariah Carey -
Her performance was just ....so...weird. I can imagine her at some pre-VMA conference call insisting that she'd only preform if she had a wind machine blowing her hair and was able to dive in the pool in a skin tight evening gown.

Shakira -
She'd looked (and sounded) great, but Alejandro Sanz is not a stripper pole.

And - why was Hammer in attendance?? Why is he everywhere lately?

Oh - and while you're at FourFour - make sure to download all the Whitney and Bobby sound clips - I'll be putting them on my work PC tomorrow.

Keepin It Real in the East Village

2005-08-28T01:12:00.000-04:00

My sister and I decided that a family outing was long overdue -- and what is more family oriented then Wigstock?

This was only my third Wigstock (I went to one on the pier back in the day, and my second as part of the HOWL festival and, unlike last year (where it rained - really hard - and delayed the show for over an hour) the weather was fantastic.

The good weather brought a ton of people to Tompkins Square Park, and given it's colorful history it wasn't surprising that there were a few crackheads in attendance.

I was chatting with my sister and brother in law when I overheard the following conversation

Man: Honey, you're leaking!

CrackWhore: Mind your own fucking business!

Man: You're purse- it's leaking! Stuff is coming out of it!

CrackWhore: Don't tell me what to do!

I turn to see this mid 40's ish, Courtney Love-esque woman dripping beer from her mesh handbag -- she was dripping through pretty much the entire first set! It was good to see in a time when NYC is rapidly gentrifying that we still get some colorful street life.

Highlights of the show included:

Lady Bunny, the organizer and one of the founders of Wigstock, who performed her usual medley of twisted pop songs that she dedicated to "The beautiful, talented and crack addicted lesbian Miss Whitney Houston"

Kevin Aviance was on hand to promote his latest single "Strut" which featured the chorus "You're ass is played out". Kevin stayed around for a bit after his set to proclaim to the audience how he was "Filled With The Spirit" and get a few hallelujah before he headed off.

I have no idea who this is, but she had the
Camel Toe of life.

Lady Miss Kier returned from a long hiatus to perform some new material. One song in particular caught my attention - I believe it was called "I don't need your war" and featured dancers in fatigues, burkas and the infamous Abu Gharib hooded prisoner.

Flotilla Debarge was on hand, doing a spot on rendition of Macy Gray's "I Try"

The Jackie 60 crew did a stage show based on the French Revolution (complete with a beheading) to a mash up of classical music and Jay-Z's HOVA.
It was the first time I've ever been pelted with bread at any type of performance.

A shot of The Mussycat Dolls performing "Don't Cha"

This year marked the 20th Anniversary of Wigstock - may there be 20 more!

The definition of WRONG

2005-08-26T22:21:00.000-04:00

I got home a bit early today from work and decided it would be a good time to do laundry. I dragged all my clothes to the laundry room to find it empty - except for some items in the dryer.

I put all of my laundry in the machine and come back 45 minutes later to find there's still clothing in all of the dryers.

I hate touching other people's laundry (I think it's nasty) - and I have this fear that the owner of the laundry will return while I'm removing it from the dryer- get pissed off- and take vengeance out on my laundry when I leave the room.

So I wait for another 10 minutes and nobody enters to claim the laundry. I have no choice but to move it myself.

I reach in and grab a stack of laundry and notice that I have grabbed a handful of PERIOD PANTIES. Yes, some woman's oversized, overworn underwear that had been stained beyond belief.

Is it too much to ask that if you leave a nasty, bloody item in the laundry room that you come claim it in a reasonable amount of time??

I quickly threw the period panties on the folding table and washed my hands.

I put all my stuff in the dryer and come back an hour later only to find THE PERIOD PANTIES ARE STILL THERE.
Rather then touch her panties again, I decided I'd fold the laundry in my apartment.

I'd like to advise this woman (whomever she is) that she's nasty, and that they now make super absorbent tampons and pads with wings. She may want to look into getting some more protection.

Sadly, this isn't the first time I've had something like this happen.

The morals of the story are:
1. ladies, please take responsibility for your menstrual flow
2. don't do your own laundry - let someone else do it

Big Cup coffeehouse to close?

2005-08-26T02:12:00.000-04:00

According to this post the Chelsea landmark Big Cup is slated to close for good this coming weekend. [via blog Chelsea]

I haven't been to the Big Cup in a very long time (mostly because at 26 years old I am way out of their demographic, but I have fond memories of the place.

I remember stopping by in for the first time around 1995 - a very closeted high school boy from Staten Island - and being amazed that there was a place so close to home that was filled with gay people my age just hanging out. I think most of my friends from high school have been dragged there at one point or another and have experienced the magical trifecta of espresso, rice krispie treats and Deborah Cox in a venue that looks like Pee Wee's Playhouse?

Hopefully this is just a rumor and the Big Cup will live on - for the (gay) children of the future

Update: The rumor seems to be true and it will close forever this Sunday, August 28th. Rest in peace old friend.

A very WTF post

2005-08-26T00:40:00.000-04:00

First of all - what the hell happened here?

I found the above while walking home.

Secondly (and almost as scary) what the hell happened here?

Thanks Ciarra, now I get to post about Pubic Pants twice in one week -- only yours don't seem to be intentional.
I think you should take some of that money you've made from your last album and get yourself a Hollywood [via The Superficial]

Are you short and looking for housing? This Craigslist post may be for you:

$600 - Great deal for little people under 4' tall- basement studio apartment
First of all, this is not a joke even though it sounds funny. I have a home in Coney Island near the bay and near seagate where the basment ceiling is only 4' high due to the proximity to the beach. The dimensions are 20x31. It's a shame to let this space go to waste so I am offering to rent it to anyone who can fit. Obviously, I will not allow a normal sized person to rent it because that's just wrong. But a dwarf or little person would fit quite nicely. In addition, I am flexible on the rent if you are a circus dwarf or other perofmer and can entertain us during parties and other occasions. [via Curbed]

Ali G crashes Pamela Anderson's DOG WEDDING -- no, really (with pictures)

This is a link I've been meaning to post for a long time - R Kelly's "Trapped In The Closet" - Parts 1 - 5 --- reenacted by Sims

And Finally in other (non WTF) news -
Mariah Carey's "We Belong Together" [also here] is number one for a 13th week -- and I'm still forbidden from playing the original version when Marvin's around (he's over it - remixes are ok though)

And over on the left coast...

2005-08-24T03:15:00.000-04:00

I was in San Jose for the past two days. I arrived Sunday night, starving, wishing I had begged the flight attendant for another package of pretzels. I'm sorry, but throwing two dime bag sized packages of mini-pretzels my way on a 6-hour flight is just silly. At least give me party mix so I have some variety. I was thrilled when the older woman sitting two seats away gave me hers. "I'm doing low-carb." You go gramma. Now hand over the pretzels.

So of course when I get to the hotel at 9:15, I find out that room service ends at 9:00 PM. So I ask the concierge what my options are for ordering in. "This late? Just Dominos." Oh god, where am I? "But we do have a room on the second floor that offers cold cuts, fresh fruit, coffee, soft drinks, and cookies from 9 PM to 5 AM, as a hospitality to our guests." Hopitality? Sounds like free to me. Sign me up. When I get to the room I notice that it's called "Raid Our Pantry". OK, if you insist!

Conveniently enough, the hotel was directly across the street from the office. And they did have amazing breakfasts. So good, that I would consider staying there again just for the food.

This afternoon we headed up to the W in San Francisco, which is where I'll be through Thursday. My room is bigger than our apartment. And I get to sleep on a Heavenly Bed! Did I mention that we need to shop for a new bed for the apartment soon?

You have to love the random feature on ipods. Current selection: Mariah Carey's "Prisoner". For those of you who haven't experienced this gem from her debut album, boy are you missing out. As far as I know, this was Mariah's first and last attempt at 'rapping'. And I use that term extremely loosely:

"So if you wanna be my love, you can't be all wild,
play up when you see me and then say, 'Mariah, I miss you.'
Expect me to hug and kiss you?
Don't mean to diss you,
but I guess I'm not the kind of girl you thought I was.
I've had enough of "Now, I'll see ya later, cuz."
Boy, made me know that I'll be strong enough,
but I won't be a pris'ner, baby, of your love,
no more...no more...no more, no more, no more, no more."

but hold on.........there's more!...

"I'm not one of those girls who'll wait around, cryin' 'cause you wouldn't take me all over town. You can't do that.
I'm not a doormat.
You're just a player.
That's not my format.
Hahahahaha ... See ya."

See ya indeed, homegirl.

What would YOU do? A two question self quiz

2005-08-24T02:38:00.000-04:00

Question 1:

You go out to dinner with some friends and decide to only order a beer.
Your waiter was great The bill comes and you notice that an item has been accidentally omitted.

do you:

A) Put in money for the drink anyway - the waiter and the food were great and since I work in the financial services industry $10 won't kill me anyway

B) Pay for your drink but don't bother to add tax or tip

C) Rationalize that the missing item was probably something you ordered (even though you can't tell for sure as multiple people ordered the same thing) and leave $4

Question 2:

You have a reputation for being cheap and are dining with people who can sometimes be a little on the cunty side. Assume you've chosen C as your answer to the first question. Which of the following scenarios is the most likely to happen?

A) Your friends agree with you and gladly take your $4 (which, after all is equivalent to 16 quarters!)

B) Your friends will be annoyed, but everyone will be polite and not say anything

C) You will be called out on the internet

Hammer, Continued

2005-08-23T20:25:00.000-04:00

I've been informed by Rich of fourfour andf my friend Brian that there is no song called "Bumps in the Rump" - apparently the real title of the song is Pumps and a Bump -- the title sounds like it could be the theme of a Saturday night at The Roxy

Anyhow, Rich was nice enough to direct me to this animated pic of the video. MTV sure doesn't make 'em like they used to.

Why did the Guido cross the road?

2005-08-22T20:18:00.000-04:00

Apparently, to get to KTU's beatstock

Marvin and I took the LIRR for a 45 minute ride to the fabulous Tommy Hilfiger Jones Beach Theater. I really would have enjoyed the ride except for the fact that I attract crazy people to me every time I leave my apartment.
I was approached by a woman who was wearing hot pink from head to toe (well- except for her Puerto Rico accessories which were everywhere). She was apparently a frequent caller to KTU and got comp tickets to the show. In a three minute conversation the woman told us she was a cousin of Lisa Lisa (of Cult Jam fame), recently had been impregnated by freestyle singer Coro , had an abortion (so she could continue to party), and was a cutter.

One uncomfortable shuttle bus ride later and we were close to the venue. Once we got within a half mile of the theater there was nothing but Guidos and their big haired, sharp nailed ho girlfriends as far as the eye could see.

For reference purposes, Urban Dictionary defines a Guido as the following:

A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area.

WARDROBE: tight zipper shirts, tracksuits, designer jeans, fuzzy kangol hats, tiny hoop earrings, fake gold chains, and related Euro-trash garb and tacky cheese-wear.

NATURAL HABITAT: Known to frequent Tri-State area malls looking for club gear to waste their week's pay on (most likely spotted shopping at "Bang Bang" in Staten Island). During the day when not at their food delivery, telemarketing, or construction job, can be located at their local gym tanning or lifting weights. Can be found nightly at mainstream danceclubs they read about online (SF, Webster Hall, Etc.). Most notable for cruising the Jersey shore in an old car (Honda, Mustang, etc.) which has been tinted, painted and sports $1,000-$3,000 rims in a feeble attempt to look like new. Guido cars usually have a boomin' system through which cheesy music like freestyle, commercial club/trance and hip-hop (anything KTU plays) is loudly blasted.

GENETIC LINKS: Directly related to modern day urban-guidos, A.K.A. "wiggers," A.K.A. "wegros;" urban-guidos are white males who once exhibited the traits referenced above, but have now instead opted to keep it unreal, with wardrobes consisting of clothes from labels like FUBU and Rocawear which they bought on sale at Macy's. These individuals still listen to the same music and drive the same type of car as their predecessor; it is usually just their choice of attire and use of slang and poor speech skills that differentiate them from the classic guido. Most guidos are distrusting of non-whites despite the fact some of their attire and music can be traced to non-white origins.

PASSTIMES/RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES: Guidos enjoy beating up a non-white or homosexual while assisted by a group of 5-10 guido friends backing them up; engaging in date rape; and displaying their lack of rhythm by dancing poorly in the middle of a club's dance floor while non-guidos look on in disbelief.
If you know a Mike, Joe, Rob or Tony, he's probably a guido.

So, really I guess I can't be surprised that so many of the Guido set were present.

We arrived just as Stonebridge was finishing their set. Marvin had re-introduced me to him last year - he has a long history of classic club mixes and productions. Sadly, only one song was performed - Put 'em High.

Some of the acts were fantastic - Sylver (pictured above) tore it up, performing her hit "All This Time" -- Talk about longevity - the song has been circulating through NYC clubland for at least the last two or three years and it still gets a great reaction. Judy Torres also commanded the stage - representing for all her "chunky but funky" people in the audience.

Most of the freestyle acts were fun for the nostalgia cheese factor - I've always wanted to hear TKA's "Maria" live - and now I've had my chance. Sometimes though the cheese goes too far -- like when they end the concert with MC HAMMER. He only did one song I recognized (the seminal 90s hit "U Can't Touch This") along with a selection of tracks from his "gangsta" era. One song was called "Bumps In The Rump" - a little risque for a man who is now a Priest.

There were some nice surprises - Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five showed up and performed their hits including White Lines, and the anthem of my apartment building The Message (you know - people pissing on the stoop - they just don't care).

Finally, I'd like to send a special message out to Lisa Lisa. It's not 1991. There should be a limit to your stage time - 15 minutes of All Cried Out is a bit of excessive.

In other important news today:

Ricky Martin Looks Gay [via towleroad]

Eva Longoria waxes her vagina [fun fact: It's called a Hollywood in the UK

D&G models skip the wax - Dolce & Gabbana now make "pubic pants" -- hey it's still better then bringing back stonewashed jeans

and finally

Jesus Walks (around NYC) [via towleroad]

Kanye West <3's the gays

2005-08-20T00:52:00.000-04:00

Feel the love

Reality Check

2005-08-18T01:06:00.000-04:00

I took these photos at two of the many "Bring Our Troops Home" vigils taking place nationwide tonight

While our president sets new records for most vacation days taken while in office American troops and Iraqi citizens face the harsh realities of war on a daily basis.

If nothing else, hopefully tonight allowed us to think about the sacrifices our military is making and gave us a few moment to pray for their quick, safe return.

Suddenly that pool doesn't seem so exciting

2005-08-17T19:39:00.000-04:00

Apparently the people who frequent the Gansevoort Hotel can't keep control of their bodily fluids [via curbed]

iRiot for cheap laptops

2005-08-16T21:08:00.000-04:00

Via CNN:

A rush to purchase $50 used laptops turned into a violent stampede Tuesday, with people getting thrown to the pavement, beaten with a folding chair and nearly driven over. One woman went so far to wet herself rather than surrender her place in line.

I've been excited about a sale before, but I can't say I've ever peed on myself (or anyone else) to get that sale item-- or beat anyone with household furniture for that matter.

Jesse Sandler said he was one of the people pushing forward, using a folding chair he had brought with him to beat back people who tried to cut in front of him.

"I took my chair here and I threw it over my shoulder and I went, 'Bam,"' the 20-year-old said nonchalantly, his eyes glued to the screen of his new iBook, as he tapped away on the keyboard at a testing station.

"They were getting in front of me and I was there a lot earlier than them, so I thought that it was just," he said.

In some countries there are fights over food - but in America we fight over outdated laptops.

This reminds me of the first (and last) time I went to an Armani sample sale. People literally ran into the showroom and claimed entire racks of clothing as their own. One person threatened to "beat my ass" for looking in the general direction of the pile of last season's clothing that he had horded in the corner.

So the moral of the story is that you won't meet the most upstanding citizens around at sample sales -- and if you choose to go, bring a bat (or whatever blunt object you can find).

Panic ensues in rush for cheap laptops [cnn.com]
$50 iBooks cause stampede! [unofficial apple weblog]
Video footage [wwbt.com]

PS: on a side note you can now get your "I went to Henrico County for a $50 iBook but all I got was kicked in the balls" t-shirt on ebay!

Space Invaded

2005-08-14T19:51:00.000-04:00

The meatpacking district has been invaded - only this time not by b&t guidos, eurotrash or wannabe models.

Urban Invasion

There's no air in here and I'm gonna die

2005-08-13T19:20:00.000-04:00

I love New York - I really do-- but sometimes our relationship is a little bit strained- usually when it gets this HOT.

New York in the heat isn't that much fun - it seems to bring out two things

a higher then usual number of crazy people
the wafting smell of pee every 5 feet

At least I'm not alone in my inability to deal with heat. Madonna understands how I feel. (via madonnavillage.com)

I guess it's not all that bad - without the heat I would never have been able to see the above Madonna clip - which in turn would have meant that Marvin would never have been inspired to create one of his latest tracks.

Marvin Mendoza featuring Ms. Ritchie - Heat Exhaustion.mp3 [link temp removed]

that's what we are

2005-08-13T15:46:00.000-04:00

The moon up above, it shines down upon our skin
Whispering words that scream of outrageous sin
We all want the stuff that's found in our wildest dreams
It gets kinda rough in the back of our limousine
That's what we are, we all want a love bizarre
- Sheila E, "A Love Bizarre"