Monday, August 22, 2005

Why did the Guido cross the road?

Apparently, to get to KTU's beatstock

Marvin and I took the LIRR for a 45 minute ride to the fabulous Tommy Hilfiger Jones Beach Theater. I really would have enjoyed the ride except for the fact that I attract crazy people to me every time I leave my apartment.
I was approached by a woman who was wearing hot pink from head to toe (well- except for her Puerto Rico accessories which were everywhere). She was apparently a frequent caller to KTU and got comp tickets to the show. In a three minute conversation the woman told us she was a cousin of Lisa Lisa (of Cult Jam fame), recently had been impregnated by freestyle singer Coro , had an abortion (so she could continue to party), and was a cutter.

One uncomfortable shuttle bus ride later and we were close to the venue. Once we got within a half mile of the theater there was nothing but Guidos and their big haired, sharp nailed ho girlfriends as far as the eye could see.

For reference purposes, Urban Dictionary defines a Guido as the following:

A sad pathetic excuse for a male; not necessarily of Italian descent, but most likely; usually native to the New York/New Jersey Tri-State area.

WARDROBE: tight zipper shirts, tracksuits, designer jeans, fuzzy kangol hats, tiny hoop earrings, fake gold chains, and related Euro-trash garb and tacky cheese-wear.

NATURAL HABITAT: Known to frequent Tri-State area malls looking for club gear to waste their week's pay on (most likely spotted shopping at "Bang Bang" in Staten Island). During the day when not at their food delivery, telemarketing, or construction job, can be located at their local gym tanning or lifting weights. Can be found nightly at mainstream danceclubs they read about online (SF, Webster Hall, Etc.). Most notable for cruising the Jersey shore in an old car (Honda, Mustang, etc.) which has been tinted, painted and sports $1,000-$3,000 rims in a feeble attempt to look like new. Guido cars usually have a boomin' system through which cheesy music like freestyle, commercial club/trance and hip-hop (anything KTU plays) is loudly blasted.

GENETIC LINKS: Directly related to modern day urban-guidos, A.K.A. "wiggers," A.K.A. "wegros;" urban-guidos are white males who once exhibited the traits referenced above, but have now instead opted to keep it unreal, with wardrobes consisting of clothes from labels like FUBU and Rocawear which they bought on sale at Macy's. These individuals still listen to the same music and drive the same type of car as their predecessor; it is usually just their choice of attire and use of slang and poor speech skills that differentiate them from the classic guido. Most guidos are distrusting of non-whites despite the fact some of their attire and music can be traced to non-white origins.

PASSTIMES/RECREATIONAL ACTIVITIES: Guidos enjoy beating up a non-white or homosexual while assisted by a group of 5-10 guido friends backing them up; engaging in date rape; and displaying their lack of rhythm by dancing poorly in the middle of a club's dance floor while non-guidos look on in disbelief.
If you know a Mike, Joe, Rob or Tony, he's probably a guido.

So, really I guess I can't be surprised that so many of the Guido set were present.

We arrived just as Stonebridge was finishing their set. Marvin had re-introduced me to him last year - he has a long history of classic club mixes and productions. Sadly, only one song was performed - Put 'em High.

Some of the acts were fantastic - Sylver (pictured above) tore it up, performing her hit "All This Time" -- Talk about longevity - the song has been circulating through NYC clubland for at least the last two or three years and it still gets a great reaction. Judy Torres also commanded the stage - representing for all her "chunky but funky" people in the audience.

Most of the freestyle acts were fun for the nostalgia cheese factor - I've always wanted to hear TKA's "Maria" live - and now I've had my chance. Sometimes though the cheese goes too far -- like when they end the concert with MC HAMMER. He only did one song I recognized (the seminal 90s hit "U Can't Touch This") along with a selection of tracks from his "gangsta" era. One song was called "Bumps In The Rump" - a little risque for a man who is now a Priest.

There were some nice surprises - Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five showed up and performed their hits including White Lines, and the anthem of my apartment building The Message (you know - people pissing on the stoop - they just don't care).

Finally, I'd like to send a special message out to Lisa Lisa. It's not 1991. There should be a limit to your stage time - 15 minutes of All Cried Out is a bit of excessive.

In other important news today:

Ricky Martin Looks Gay [via towleroad]

Eva Longoria waxes her vagina [fun fact: It's called a Hollywood in the UK

D&G models skip the wax - Dolce & Gabbana now make "pubic pants" -- hey it's still better then bringing back stonewashed jeans

and finally

Jesus Walks (around NYC) [via towleroad]


At 12:40 AM, Anonymous Rich said...

"Pumps and a Bump!" Was that your first exposure to it? If so, you missed the video that featured Hammer bumping with women by a pool while pumping his bikini-clad wood. I can't find the video online, but this gif should give you the idea.

Awesome review, too. To be perfectly honest, a 15-minute version of "All Cried Out" sounds def.

At 7:51 PM, Anonymous maureen g. said...

thorougly enjoyed your review of the concert...gald I wasn't there!


Post a Comment

<< Home