Saturday, October 29, 2005

Peanuts, Pads & Pumps

Halloween is almost upon us, and with Halloween comes the need to get a new costume.

Last year Marvin and I decided to march in the Halloween parade dressed as two of our favorite pop icons of the moment- Latoya Jackson and J-Lo. In the end people were able to identify Marvin's costume but had no idea what the hell I was supposed to be. I personally think I looked like Diana Ross during her alcoholic period.

We decided it was time to get back into the heels (or in Marvin's case, pink Uggs) and find a more ridiculous costume for this year's event -- we'd need more flash, more trash, more skin and more of a group theme to shock, disturb and otherwise and scare our neighbors.

We gathered up some friends and headed out to a place where we knew we could find the most fantastical synthetic ho clothing in all of New York City -- the one and only Conway -- a store so amazing that the mid 90s dance act "Reel 2 Real" wrote a song about it (of course Marvin owns the single)

We were pleasantly surprised to find that Conway plays recent house music as it's in store entertainment - prompting us to nickname it "Club Conway". It was nice to have something to listen to as we thumbed through the mounds of polyester.

We were in the store for a solid 2 hours - it took a while to select the perfect outfit ---- but no outfit is complete without the right shoes.

There was a sign stating that women's shoes could be found on the lower level- the only problem was that the shoe section was completely hidden! After a few minutes of searching we found a little piece of discount hooker shoe heaven -- One isle of shoes jam packed with pleather shoes of all shapes and sizes wedged conveniently between the isles selling bags of peanuts and feminine hygiene products. How many other stores can you think of where you can get clear heels, satisfy your craving for salty nuts and cleanse your vagina?

My favorite part of the Conway experience is the helpful staff. At one point we were comparing the merits of various colors of thigh high pleather stiletto boots when a conway worker informed us that "These are not men's shoes" -- thanks for that helpful tidbit.

In the end, our shopping trip was a success -- we left with 3 bags full of Conway goodness -- and even though one of my friends (I'm talking about you Emily) refused to be seen with her Conway bag (forcing her boyfriend Mike to carry it) I have to say I am not ashamed!

Watch for us - rockin' the conway - on Monday night

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The Definition of Wrong - #4

Being in the loo while random work people very audibly go #2.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Tick Tick Tock - It's a quarter to 2...

So, it was an interesting Saturday around these parts. Marvin and I were supposed to go to Philadelphia, but unfortunately I ended up working until late Saturday evening making that an impossibility.

After an unexpected 2 hour nap we decided to check out the much rumored Madonna appearance at Roxy. Since we have a complete inability to go out at any kind of normal hour we didn't end up getting to the club until almost 2am.

The place was a complete madhouse - people wall to wall--- And more girls then I've ever seen at the Roxy (especially on a Saturday night!)

They had replaced the "O" in Roxy with the disco ball from the cover of the new Madonna CD--- oh -- and upped the cover charge at the door to $25 (for members) or $40 for non-members. That pretty much sealed that she was going to make an appearance.

We get inside only to find an even longer line. After waiting for about 10 minutes I hear people screaming and the bass line to "Hung Up" blasting in the main room. She was there - AND I WAS ON LINE. This was clearly not going to do.

In the end we managed to make it inside to hear the end of one of her songs entitled "I Love New York" and a track entitled "Sorry". Both of these tracks made me even more excited for the CD then I had been previously.

It was great to see Madonna out and about - she does not look like an almost 50 year old woman! I only wish she would have actually done ...something during her visit to the Roxy. All she did was shake her ass up on the stage and introduce her album -- and sweat her ass off (along with the rest of the crowd). I guess it's better then nothing!

Peter Rauhofer was the DJ that night and played an excellent set-- although he did play multiple mixes of "Hung Up" during the course of the night. I like the song and all, but 4 times is excessive!

The one thing I'm disappointed about is that Madonna also made an appearance down the block from me at the Misshapes
party @ Luke & Leroy. I had really wanted to go and hear Stuart Price's DJ set. For those who don't know he's a fantastic producer/remixer who also produced Madonna's latest album. I even commented to Marvin earlier in the week how if Madonna was going to show up at any party it would be the Misshapes party!

She apparently spun (with Stuart's help) for half an hour to a small crowd (who only paid $5 to get in I might add!) - but again - some Madonna is better then no Madonna!

In related news - I am going to try and not mention Madonna for at least another week on this blog. As much as I love her she's getting too much air time here!

Friday, October 21, 2005

"I'm going to tell you a secret..."

Tom and I are very excited about the very special guest appearance in our apartment this weekend...

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......DON'T TELL ANYONE!!! I even heard there might be some cameos by her celebrity friends:

Donna Summer.........

Cher.....and for one night only.................

Only $15 before 1 AM with your John Blair card!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

oh .. and she won't be at roxy

Oh- and I'd like to also go on record to say that I don't believe for a second that Madonna will be at the Roxy this weekend. I don't care who "confirmed" that she'll be there - they are wrong. Madonna at the Roxy is so 1998.

If you're going to go to the Roxy on Saturday you should check out the party to celebrate 20 Years of the Hooker Diner - aka The Florent. There's a terrific writeup of the history of the famous meatpacking district diner here. Even though Marvin claims its food causes explosive diarrhea, I still have to say I'm a fan.

Ok- I take it back. If they are charging $10 more at the door then usual I'd bet she will be there

Recent Weirdness in my life

Apparently my Time Warner DVR (aka - Time Warner's ghetto TiVo knock-off) has gone wild. It has started to randomly record half hours of QVC. So far I've gotten a few half hours dedicated to jewelry and one dedicated to women's fashions "inspired by country living"

I was on Staten Island with my family the other day, and while walking back from breakfast I was saw something strange moving down the street. When I got closer I noticed that there were three HUGE wild turkeys on the street. Not only were these turkeys huge but they had no fear of people at all - and they (like most of the inhabitants of Staten Island) had one nasty attitude.

bottom line - beware of turkey and DVR's.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Top 10 - Oct 18 2005

1. Simply Red - Perfect Love (Roger Sanchez Dirty Dub)
2. Joey Negro - Make A Move On Me (Joey Negro Club Mix)
3. DJ Tekin feat. Beth Trollan - Wait Forever (Original Mix)
4. Inaya Day - I Am Tha 1 (Mike Cruz Remix)
5. Veronica - Relentless 2005 (Just A Dream)
6. Sandy Rivera Meets Robert Owens - Just Won't Do (Mix / Dub)
7. Suzanne Palmer - Fascinated (Johnny Vicious Mix / Gomi & Escape Mix)
8. David Longoria feat. CeCe Peniston - Deeper Love (L.E.X. Mix / L.E.X. Dub)
9. Anthony Acid - Sweat (Stephan Grondin Mix)
10. Korn - Twisted Transistor (Eric Kupper Dub)

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Hung Up (on you)

This has to be one of the weirdest record company promotions I've seen - Madonna and Warner Brothers records have set up a "confession line" where you can call and share your dirty little secrets with her Madgesty.


So which confession should I make? The time I was hitchhiking nude in Florida? Maybe the time I fantasized about making out with a black saint while I had the stigmata? Or how about the time I made out with Britne....never mind.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The Greatest Story Ever Told

From The New York Times:

'Harvey Finklestein's Sock Puppet Showgirls' is a unique and unauthorized parody of the Joe Eszterhas film, 'Showgirls' as performed by sock puppets. The play, like the beloved film, follow an ambitious young drifter as she navigates her way through that world of power, topless dancing, seduction, vulgarity, gambling and sex that we call Las Vegas. If you haven't seen sock puppets pole dance, you haven't experienced the true power of the theater. — TheaterSource

Buy tickets here

Clearly I will not be missing this once in a life time theatre event!

Don't Let It Be Squirrels

From the South London Press...

NATURE lovers fear that squirrels could become hooked on crack cocaine plundered from addicts' hidden stashes. The furry animals are thought to be behind a new drugs turf war in Brixton - stealing rocks of crack hidden in front gardens.

Tough police action to rid the town centre of dealers and addicts has seen crackheads abandon their usual drug stash hideouts. But the blitz has displaced some dealing into nearby residential streets. Drug addicts are known to be hiding small stashes of crack rocks in people's front lawns late at night. Squirrels have been spotted in the same front gardens, seemingly hunting out the buried narcotics. The discovery has led some residents to speculate that the squirrels are already in the grips of addiction.

One resident, who asked for his name to be withheld, told the South London Press. "I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash.

"An hour earlier I'd seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds.

"It looked like it knew what it was looking for.

"It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging.

"It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."

Crack squirrels are a recognised phenomena in the US.

They are known to live in parks frequented by addicts in New York and Washington DC.

The squirrels have attacked park visitors in their frenzied search for their next fix.

An RSPCA spokesman said he was unaware of the squirrels taking crack in Brixton.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

...And in other news

...Rich @ fourfour has posted some amusing Whitney Houston pics taken from this site, which includes some amazing candid Whitney photos such as the one you see below.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

CondaLezzie Rice and The Temple of Poon (and other random thoughts)

Ok - I'll admit it - I'm a bit of a (Condi) Rice Queen -- I don't really agree with any of her politics, but there's something very campy about this woman. Maybe it's the way that she always looks so angry.

I've always wondered if she were a bit of a lesbian -- and it's totally not because she's a strong woman or a successful female - she just gives off that vibe.

Regardless if she's a lesbian or not, the following exchange that took place with James Rosen on Fox & Friends is VERY amusing [taken from Radar On-Line 'cause you know I'm not watching Fox!]

ROSEN: … All right. I close with a gift for you. You met this person once, I believe, but you really, I think, ought to know each other because this woman is… I think you’ll have an interest in knowing her. She is one of our Fox News anchors in New York. Her name is Lauren Green. She is brilliant, she’s beautiful, she’s African-American, she’s single and she’s a concert pianist in her spare time.

RICE: My goodness.

ROSEN: And she asked me to give you her CD and I promised her that I would.

RICE: That’s perfect.

ROSEN: And here’s her doing a number of different classical pieces.

RICE: Well, that’s special.

ROSEN: So there you have it.

RICE: Thank her very much and I look forward to seeing her sometime.

ROSEN: All right. She’s going to want to hear from you.

RICE: And maybe even playing dual piano sometime.

Are you sure you don't mean dueling banjos Condi?

Dueling Banjos - V. Two or more people masturbating eachother, or engaging in masturbation with eachother.


In other amusing/scary news, James Dobson of the ultra-right "we took the fun out of fundamentalist" pseudo Christian radio show "Focus on the Family" is waiting for a sign from God as to if he should endorse George Bush's pick for the supreme court - Harriet Miers.

he says:

"If this is not the person you want on that Supreme Court, all you have to do is tell me so, and do it through any means you want to." ...

The full article is here and comes to us via The Huffington Post

I showed this article to a friend of mine who asked me if I was showing him a satire site like The Onion - but no, it's real.

I'm wondering what kind of notification James expects from God. Does God do email?


Hi James -
Long time no speak. Sorry to keep you waiting, but I haven't made up my mind about Harriet yet. I'll be out of the office for the rest of the week and don't know if I'll have internet access, so I'll either send you a note from my blackberry or start a burning bush in front of your house or something (get it? burning bush?) -


PS: Tell Condi to stop being so uptight. She could bag much hotter chicks if she'd smile once in a while.

In equally surreal news, Anna Nicole Smith will be having her multi-million dollar inheritance case tried before the supreme court. The Daily News ran an article about how important wardrobe will be to the verdict of her case:

Should she take some pointers from new court-nominee Harriet Miers, who showed up for her big day at the Oval Office in a conservative indigo suit and comfort pumps? Or should the former Playmate just stick to her trashy roots, sporting spandex and a TrimSpa banner?

"She shouldn't flirt with John Roberts," says celebrity image consultant Daniel DiCriscio, who believes Anna had better go for broke - or wind up broke. "I really think she needs to be very direct, very clean. She shouldn't be wearing any getups. I know she's Anna and she can do anything, but this it: Either you make an impression now, or you get nothing.

"Anna Nicole has to strike a chord that's somewhere between manipulative gold digger and flaky bimbo vixen," says Clinton Kelly, co-author, with Stacy London, of "Dress Your Best" (Three Rivers Press, $18.95). "This will be difficult. So, if she asked me, I'd counsel her to stay away from black, which would look too severe - not to mention that her grieving period should be over about now." Adds London, "Under no circumstances should she wear pink or show any cleavage."

No pink? Clearly Bobby Trendy won't be wardrobing her for the hearing.

Poor Anna. Surely she can hide the fact that she's a trashy ho for a little while, right?


"It's a bit late for her to pull back the image," says Simon Doonan, creative director of Barneys New York. "I mean, that would be definitely shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. So she really needs to deliver the full-on burlesque supervixen. It's gotta be something from the Southern Italians."


Amd speaking of Italians - somehow Frankie Gotti (of *that* Gotti family) has collected $300,000 and opened his own tanning salon in Long Island - at age 15!

Even at this young age he seems to already be a smart businessman -

The salon, to employ 12 people, is just the first in a chain Frankie has planned. He hopes to have his second salon next year on Staten Island.

No one loves fake tanning like the citizens of Staten Island. People on SI are so overtanned that they actually become a shade of grey - affectionaly known to me as "Staten Island Grey".


Finally, I've saved "the best" for last - via The Huffington Post:

Legislation has been introduced in the Indiana legislature that would prohibit gays, lesbians and single people in Indiana from using medical science to assist them in having a child.

The bill has the support of Senator Patricia Miller, the chair of the Health Finance Commission where the legislation is currently being considered.

The actual bill can be found here - it states that a woman needs a "gestational certificate" in order to pursue any type of fertility procedure. The woman must be married and complete a screening process to be eligible. Part of that screening process includes proof that the woman has "[participated] in faith-based or church activities". Yup - still not satire.

I wonder if this law includes a loophole for Condi?

Saturday, October 01, 2005

What the cluck?

Anyone who's been on a NYC subway in the past 3 years has seen the MTA's "If You See Something, Say Something" ad campaign.

As a rule I generally pay close attention to what is going on around me in the subway- not so much out of a fear of terrorism, but a fear that some mofo will attempt to steal my ipod.

Yesterday evening I noticed a woman with a very suspicious package across the train from me - it was a white, semi crushed cardboard box (with holes on the side) held together by some frayed string.

Imagine my surprise when about five minutes into the trip I saw A LIVE CHICKEN stick it's head out of the box! The owner of the box simply nonchalantly pushed the chicken's head back into the box and continued to read her Danielle Steele novel.

Only in New York.