Friday, September 30, 2005

Fanning the flames of my faggotry

Today Marvin and I got some new music, and as we were walking home he commented on how we had the gayest selection of music ever ---- Barbra Streisand and Madonna.

Pretty gay - but not this gay.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Wanna Rumble with the Bee?

I haven't been able to stop listening to the new Lil Kim CD - as I've mentioned before - GO BUY IT! NOW!

Although she's put out the best album of her career, she's also unfortunately in jail... and if that weren't bad enough she was forced to cut off her weave!

Poor, poor Kim.

I've been a huge fan of Kim's for a while - one of the highlights of my fandom was when I was front row at a concert and she sang a couple of bars of "Crush On You" to me. For those who are interested, she's really short (duh) and she smells like coco butter.
I snapped this pic of her at that concert:

Back in college I gave a Lil Kim poster to my friend Lynette - she dressed it up for the holidays.

Note the "pink taco" in the background.

In honor of her new CD, I'd like to list Kim's top 10 rhymes:

I made my Intro
getting fucked in the Pinto
Now I'm skin deep in da Lexus Jeep
Peep da Queen sista
If I would fuck wit Mista
They'd be lickin blackberry molasses out my asses


Bet I wet cha like hurricanes and typhoons
Got buffoons eatin my pussy while I watch cartoons

-Queen Bitch

Niggas wanna run up in my pussy like a Pap smear

-Queen Bitch, Part II

See a nigga you like?
Give em a pussy invite
It's aiight
maybe get ya pussy sucked tonight

-Do What You Like

Take it in the butt
Yes, Yes, What!

-Big Momma Thang

Queen bitch, the red lipstick
The all black harley
call me black barbie
Fuck a blow
it's so mothafuckin' hobby
Under seven inches?
ehhh! sorry.
Minimen i can't fuck with them.
I like to ride the cock till ya hit the spot

-Get Naked

Admirin my shoes by Gucci
I be eatin sushi
playin with my coochie

- Get Money (remix)

All my male friends
call me m&m's
Cuz my pussy melt in your mouth
and not in your hands

-Nobody Do It Better

I wanna wake him up to do his duty
Nigga use that tongue, clit to booty, clit to booty
You wanna steal the pussy like a thief
Now kiss the lips without the teeth

-We Don't Need It

The moral of the story is this
You aint lickin' this, you aint stickin' this
And I got witnesses, ask any nigga I been with
They aint hit shit till they stuck they tongue in this

-Not Tonight

...and a bonus rhyme:

You da best, Da Da
Now watch mama, go up and down dick to jaw crazy
Uhh! Say my name baby
Before you nut,
I'ma dribble down your butt cheeks
Make you wiggle
then giggle just a little

-No Time

Don't Let It Be Crack

via the Lady Bunny:


Whitney Houston was brought to the South of
France a fortnight ago to perform at a big
party for a Russian billionaire, along with
Christina Aguilera and Enrique Iglesias.

Two hours before the concert was due to
start, Whitney's people called the party
organisers. There was a problem. Whitney
wouldn't be able to sing... because all
her teeth had just fallen out.

Cue frantic dash to find a discreet private
dentist to make up a serviceable set of
false teeth so the gig could go ahead.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

I saw the sign

An editor for NY blog The Gothamist posted a photo of a sign that he found in his hallway this morning:

Do you really need to remind people not to pee in the hallway?
I shouldn't be surprised - after all, this sign hangs in the courtyard of my building:

That's right - if you're looking to shit on someone for sexual pleasure you'd better check elsewhere - because scatting is not allowed here.

And while we're on the subject of signs that are wrong..

Greetings from Atlantic City - Part One

We've been bad and haven't blogged in a while -- but like Lil' Kim we are back.

It's been said that a picture is worth a thousand words. If that statement is true, this post is worth about ten million words

Marvin and I took a little trip down to Atlantic City this past weekend:

AC is a very strange place - filled with the old (and the WEIRD!) - This man is an example of the Weird - he was doing a weird puppet act while playing Suzanne Vega's "Tom's Diner" and dressed in head to toe spandex.

This joke writes itself:

Finally, Marvin and I explored the finest shops in AC (ok- the 99 cent store) and found some fantastic Jersey postcards - I'm posting the ones I bought, watch for Marvin's post tomorrow to see the rest!

who needs baywatch?

or Vegas?

What's up with the girl in the middle?

Since when does Trump do Christian revivals? Since about 1986 apparently.

and finally, my favorite:

Monday, September 26, 2005

Put Your lighters up - The Queen Bitch is back

Lil' Kim's new CD drops today - The Naked Truth.

I've made it to track 6 and it's fantastic so far. I see why The Source made Kim the first female artist ever to get five mics

I can't wait until I get to the track called "Kitty Box"

Go buy it NOW (even if you download the mp3s)

PS: Lighters up to Rich for sending me the cd a few hours early.

Monday, September 19, 2005

The Definition of Wrong - #3

Tonight's "definition of wrong" comes to us from Emily "everyone loves an Asian girl" Le- she told us this story at dinner last night and I thought it was too ridiculous not to post.

So, Mike and I were getting me tampons at Duane Reade -
I was trying to decide amongst the seemingly hundreds of options when we heard someone in the next aisle over using one of those annoying walkie-talkie phones that beeps constantly. As we headed back upstairs to checkout we realized the person on the walkie talkie was actually a Duane Reade employee and was on the escalator right behind us. It was then that we heard the content of the conversation for the first time, albeit somewhat mumbled and in a Rosie Perez-esque voice: "Yeah, and yew betta weea yewa clea stilettos..." As the conversation continued, we realized that the guy was having phone sex over the walkie-talkie...Mike made this face at me and we b-lined it to the closest register. only in NY.

Duane Reed employee - you are both a cheap bastard and the definition of wrong.
If you're going to have PHONE SEX please spend the extra .10 and use a phone.

Emily also included a bonus "wrong"

ps- on the subway home last night we sat next to an overweight man wearing denim shorts with a very opened button down short sleeved denim shirt...underneath the shirt you ask? a dominatrix outfit in the form of the letter "X" pressed up against his chest hair. we (and it appeared the lesbians across from us) did not appreciate this public display of sexwear.

I <3 NY

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Where to go for Pho

Tonight Marvin and I joined our friends Emily and Mike for some Vietnamese food "way downtown" in Chinatown.

Chinatown is usually a place that evokes fear in me. I had lived there in the summer of 2001 and swore never to return (for more then a few hours at a time that is). In the course of the 3 months I was in C-town I think I saw more roaches and rats then I had cumulatively seen in my entire life prior.

I know Emily usually has fairly high standards for food (excluding during the blackout of 2003 where she was reduced to eating the delicious combo of Pringles & Dinty Moore Stew), so when she told us there was a restaurant we needed to visit Marv & I went with little hesitation.

Emily was dressed very festively for the occasion, rocking her "Everyone Loves an Asian Girl" t-shirt (seen here
(modeled by a white woman for some reason)

The restaurant was called Nha Trang, which I believe translates to "really cheap food" in Vietnamese. We all ordered a noodle/broth based dish called Pho. The food was very tasty - and dinner for 4, two appetizers and five sodas came to $38 --- clearly you can only get food this cheap in Chinatown. The only downside to the whole dining experience is the restaurant seemed to like to hide tripe in the Pho - so if you're not prepared for random cuts of meat mysteriously appearing in your broth you may want to make sure to order your meal specifically without it.

Of course no trip to Chinatown is complete without experiencing the "Chinatown stench" - a smell of rotting garbage the likes I haven't experienced since I last worked at The Staten Island Mall (directly across the street from the Fresh Kills Landfill.)

All in all, Nha Trang is highly recommend.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Things that are dumb

1. The new ad campaign for New York Sports Clubs. For those who live outside the area (or haven't seen it) the campaign is "______ better" - the idea that with each new ad they will "fill in the blank" with details about how a NYSC membership will enhance your lives. They've given out tshirs to the staff and encouraged them to fill in the blanks themselves. Most of the shirts ended up with what you'd expect - "Look Better", "Feel Better", etc - but some of the staff did get creative. My favorite entries we're the "Work This T-shirt Better" and the "Drop It Like It's Hot Better". Surprisingly enough no one had a "Cruise Better" or "Do Crystal at the Roxy Better" t-shirt.

2. Speaking of dumb- we had some women from Equinox come in to work to try and sell memberships to their clubs. It looked like they they picked the hottest women employees they could find, squeezed them into a uniform one size too small and unleashed them upon my company. These women were also as shameless as they were hot - clearly sticking their cleavage in my face as many times as possible during our brief conversation. Clearly this was a waste of time.

Of course, no conversation on dumb things would be complete without touching upon our president.

Thanks to Reuters, we now know that W has to ask Condi Rice for permission to use the bathroom.

On another note entirely- thanks to my brother Chuck for designing us a new banner!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Ethical dilemma #1

On my flight to Dallas yesterday, I was faced with a rather large ethical dilemma. The man sitting directly in front of me stunk. I'm talking completely unbearable rankness. Like week-old falafel and farts. So - what, if anything, can one do in such a situation (note: flight is full so you can't change seats)? Is there a P.C. way to bring this up? What would you say? "Excuse me, have you smelled J-Lo's newest fragrance? Here, take a whiff." Is this something worth pressing the 'Call Flight Attendant' button? "Miss (or Mister) - you look exhausted - why don't you sit here and I'll pass out the snack mix and take it from here".

After deciding against all of the above, I positioned the air vent towards the tip of my nose and cranked it on high.

I've taken an interest in the animals displaced and in need from Hurricane Katrina. One such relevant story:

"Many of the flood victims in New Orleans refused to leave their pets behind, and found ways to hang onto them and secretly carry them onto rescue vehicles. According to the HSUS, one such case was a lovebird that made the bus trip to Houston hidden in its owner's bra."

If you're moved as much as I am, please donate to the ASPCA, Humane Society, or any other such organization helping our small friends. FYI - $25 is often enough to feed and care for a sheltered animal for an entire year!

Monday, September 12, 2005

A Visual Guide to the Manhattan Boro President Primary

Tomorrow, September 13th is the Democratic primary election in New York City. The race for mayor is all but decided already (it's gonna be Bloomberg - everyone else go home)-- besides, who would vote for someone with the name Weiner anyway?

The Manhattan borough president election is shaping up to be much more interesting -- As a community service I am providing you a voters guide below.

Brian Ellner aka the gay one
Pros: Has anti-George Bush commercial on TV, he can't be that bad! Could unleash the forces of fierceness on the office of boro president.
Cons: Do we really need an inauguration party at XL?

Carlos Manzano
Pros: Immigrant from Colombia (the country, not the school) - self made professional
Cons: This mofo has sent me more junk mail in the last two months then every credit card company combined. He is the real world equivalent of the "enlarge your penis now" email spam.

Eva Moskowitz
Pros: I know nothing about this woman except all her campaign appearances and flyers seem to try to make us think of Eva Peron - and who doesn't love Evita?
Cons: I think that if the boro presidental candidates were competing in an "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" Eva Peron impersonation contest Eva Moskowitz would loose - Carlos Manzano would place second - he is from South America after all. Clearly Brian Ellner would place first - you know that she's probably walked the runway in heels and a tiara at least once or twice before.

Margarita Lopez or M-Lo as her photo description says
Pros: When her posters first went up in the neighborhood a man passing by commented "Work the teeth bitch!" - We could harness the scariness of her teeth and use them as an effective deterrent to crime and potential terrorists.
Cons: She scares small children. Could be long lost latin cousin of Jerri Blank (see below)

The Definition of Wrong - #2

We're on the verge of repainting the apartment..the living room has been a shade of dark red for almost 3 years now and it's time for a change. We decided to head off to Bed, Bath & Beyond to pick up some primer to help cover up the current color.

We went over to what used to be the paint section of the store only to discover that BB&B no longer sells paint--- in it's place they now sell Revlon makeup, deodorant, and hair care products -- wtf?

If we were at any other store we would have just gone home - but Bed, Bath & Beyond is no normal store. I don't think I've ever gone into the store without leaving with multiple items I had no intention of buying. Tonight Marvin and I debated for 10 minutes if we needed to buy "take out plates" - which were tiny dishes with cartoon drawings of Chinese food for use when you order takeout -- because when you live in a small NYC apartment you need a set of dishes specifically for when you order-in Asian food.

On our way through the store we noticed they had a section of foot massagers. We actually watched a woman open a folding chair, put a display foot massager on the floor, and then TAKE OFF HER SHOES AND SOCKS AND GIVE HERSELF A MASSAGE. Not only that, but she had nasty feet- hair on the toes and was in clear need of a pedicure.

I bet she also leaves her period panties in the laundry room of her building.

Lady (whomever you are), tonight you are THE DEFINITION OF WRONG.

Tonight Marvin and I also watched a movie on LOGO (aka - the Gay channel) called Ski Trip.
It was advertised as a groundbreaking, realistic film portrayal of black and Latino gay life in NYC -- in actuality it was almost as bad as the lady with the bad corns at BB&B.
To sum up the hour of which we've seen so far:
- a black gay guy named Corey gets dumped by 'hot chocolate boyfriend', gets depressed and turns 30
- his 5 friends decide to take him on a ski trip - a drag queen who wants to be on Broadway, a Latin bartender who sleeps with everyone, a skinny, bitchy queen who works at a clothing store on Christopher street, a lesbian, and the nice guy friend who is madly in love with Corey
- the bitchy queen brings a "hot piece of ass" to the ski trip, turns out the guy is a male escort
- the lesbian falls in love with a deaf mute woman- but she's secretly having a baby with the drag queen (and haven't told Corey yet)
- The "hot chocolate boyfriend" shows up and it turns out he's straight-- and he's never actually been with Corey
- The words "drama", "bitch", and "girl" have been said about 3,000 times each

Our favorite line in the movie thus far was a speech the male prostitute declares his emancipation from his john:
"Get your hands off me - 'cause you'll never be able to afford my heart"

Is there a rule that 99% of gay movies have to be crap? Can't logo do better then this?

In the news today:

Scientists discover the first ever cocktail - made 5,000 years ago!

Some twisted person makes an amazingly funny "Being Bobby Brown" highlight reel to the tune of "Love that Man"

Saturday, September 10, 2005


The past three weeks have been abound with nonsensical exclamations. A brief recap:

(1) San Francisco - a random mid-afternooon crosstown busride with a postal bus driver. Rants heard: "Does everybody know where they're GOING?!?!??!", "Do you people understand now why double parking is the work of the DEVIL? It's not me making you all late!" And the kicker, his remark to a middle-aged Greek woman who boarded the bus with her elderly wheelchair-bound mother and wasn't quite sure what stop she needed to get off at: "Usually, when people travel around with someone in a wheelchair, they have some idea of where they're going. Does EVERYBODY ELSE know where they're GOING?"

(2) San Francisco - The "End Up" nighclub. Open from Thursday afternoon through Monday evening. Yes folks, there is a town crackier than NYC. And why is it called the "End Up"? Because this is where everybody "Ends Up" after the rest of San Francisco shuts down. Scary? Kinda. Fun? Absolutely.

I ended up meeting a beautiful, smart, and yes, Latina woman named Karina. Think Jessica Simpson with brown hair. Well, after speaking to her for about three hours and finding out we had and incredible amount in common (besides the fact we were born only one day apart), we tied ourselves at the hip for the rest of the evening. One particular friend commented, "Well, now we know what your wife would have looked like", while another chimed in, "Well, now we know what you would have looked like as someone's wife."

(3) NYC - 15th and 8th. Upon our walk to the gym, Tom and I notice a decently dressed vagrant (note: not a bum) strolling up the avenue with his shopping cart. In that moment I realized that I too could be homeless under certain circumstances, and I felt a sense of connection to the poor bloke. That is, until he asked us with the utmost seriousness and inquisitiveness: "Excuse me sir, what does Al Sharpton's toe jam taste like?"

(4) NYC - 14th and 6th. Returning from the gym (another night), another seemingly well composed homeless man is walking towards us. As he passes he leans over to me and yells, "I love Jesus!" I turned around, and proclaimed my love for Jesus as well.

(5) NYC - Avalon (the old Limelight space) - Junior Vasquez was spinning for the premier of his Klear party. For those of y'all that don't know, the main floor typically thumps the best NY house both old and new, and the chapel (i.e. back room) plays radio pop for the kiddies (think: Jason Nevin's mix of Kelly Clarkson's 'Since You've Been Gone'). While we're taking a cocktail break in this gay version of Romper Room, a 20-ish year old kid from Miami flirts with me until I bring Tom over and introduce him as my boyfriend. About 5 minutes go by, and he comes back to say, "You guys are cute. Are you into threesomes?" I politely declined and let him know that although we weren't interested we're sure there are plenty others in the club that would be. Now, I have to give this boy props, for he comes back not a minute later and adds, "I have my friend here too - what about foursomes?" Tom interjects, "Obviously, you don't know enough about local living spaces - it's logistically impossible to fit four people in a New York apartment."

(6) NYC - Avalon - that very same night. My good friend Ren takes the prize with his timeless and tireless cry of fierceness, "WORK BEETCH!"

Finally on a musical note *bad pun*, the freestyle powerhouses formerly known as Cynthia and Lisette Melendez have combined forces to give us LizCyn (pronounced Lis-ten....get it? get it??) and their debut track, "I Can't Change Your Mind". Now maybe it's that cosmic Latina connection, but I really dig this track. With bubblegum lyrics, vocals that come straight from the nasal cavity, and that oh-so-familiar freestyle drum kick, this song reeks of swelterting Saturday afternoons in Seaside Heights circa 1994. Not convinced? Get over to iTunes immediately, and take a liscyn for yourself.

Friday, September 09, 2005

scratch that

No sooner do I publish the last post then I find Marvin watching Manhattan cable access. For once it was not showing sex ads or Robin Byrd -
right now there is a girl using stuffed Japanese cartoon character dolls to alternate recreating doing ecstasy at a club and having a teenage girl bitch fight.

Clearly I'm getting my $140 a month worth out of Time Warner Cable this month.

Enough of Daddy's Penis for one night!

Marvin and I were flipping around our 300+ channels of digital cable this evening when we came across MTV's Date My Mom.

"Date My Mom" is a "reality" show where a guy goes on "dates" with the mom's of 3 potential suitors. To our surprise it was gay night on the show - and we tuned in just in time to see the bachelor make his final decision.

One potential date was rejected because he was too into musicals -- the bachelor advised him to take his jazz hands back home to Buffalo, NY.

The mother of the guy who was ultimately chosen got very excited and shouted "Get ready to meet my hot and sexual son!" as this blond hair twinky guy hops out of a black Lincoln town car.

The idea of someones mom calling them "hot and sexual" is a little gross. Mom - if you're reading this (and at some point you probably will) please take note never to refer to me as "hot and sexual".

The aforementioned twinky boy jumps at the bachelor and promptly sticks his tongue in his throat. The camera cuts away to an interview sound bite with the bachelor who exclaims "I can't wait to see if he's as hung as his dad!"

Did I hear that correctly? Thank God for Time Warner's Digital Video Recorder-- yes, I did in fact hear that correctly. So apparently in addition to having a "hot and sexual son" the winning mom has a husband who is a mandingo warrior.

The last shot of the show was the bachelor saying how great it was that the winning contestant just stuck his tongue in his mouth within seconds of meeting him.

Thank you MTV for reinforcing several stereotypes and creeping me out.

Speaking of men packing the heat - apparently Tom Jones has a huge penis -- not only that but Elvira (mistress of the dark) lost her virginity to him (and had to be surgically sewn back up!)

Finally, for those looking for a little penis action of their own, may I direct you to Pathetic Personals [via Lady Bunny]. Very few sites have made me laugh out loud like this one did - I epically enjoyed their links to real life "pathetic personals" like this one which was named "Christian Clown Personal of The Month"

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

from around the net

Madonna's new single "Hung Up" leaked on the net in 14-second sound clips here and here. She's also updated her official site for her new album

She's not the only one to drop a new album soon - Lil Kim's new CD comes out at the end of the month - The first single, "Lighters Up" can be heard on her official site

In news that will come as a surprise to... well... no one.. the magazine Radar claims that Clay Aiken is gay .. and has been hooking up with a fellow reality star

The ever annoying Bobby Trendy (of Anna Nicole "fame") has a wardrobe malfunction [thanks for the link Brian]

Did you know there's a kosher beer called He'Brew? It's slogan is "The Chosen Beer" and runs an ad campaign stating "Christ! That's a good beer!" It's also available via Fresh Direct

Confirming what we already know - Gay Chelsea Is Dead - Long Live Gay Hell's Kitchen

Positive (and Negative)

I've been very busy over the past week (and out of town the past weekend) so I've been unable to post -
I started this blog so I could have a repository for all the random things I see on the net, as well as a place where I could write down all the interesting (and not so interesting) things I see, do, and experience.

It would be weird for me to look back on my entries and not see a single one dedicated to the destruction (and mass chaos) caused by Hurricane Katrina.

Here are two links to charities that Marvin and I have donated to:

The American Red Cross
American Humane Society - rescue pets abandoned as a result of Katrina

On more negative hurricane related notes:

Pat Robertson says hurricane was a good thing because it will take attention off supreme court nomination process

Barbara Bush: “So Many Of The People In The Arena... Were Underprivileged Anyway, So This Is Working Very Well For Them”...

In a huge conflict of interest Bush says - "What I intend to do is lead an investigation to find out what went right and what went wrong"

Bush administration knew of likelyhood of New Orleans disaster, cut funding for flood control anyway

Condi Rice shoe shopping while thousands die -- also here

Bill Clinton says Government failed our people

Celine Dion has a breakdown on CNN

Kanye West says "Bush doesn't care about black people" live on NBC telethon

Even claymation figures knew what would happen if a hurricane hit Louisiana